I'm a Mother, That's Why I've Become a B*tch

by Lauren Valentine
Originally Published: 
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I have been a mother for approximately 441 days. Since day one, I have become an entirely new person. There have certainly been some really great qualities that I have acquired since becoming a mom, but mostly I’m a bitch. Here’s why.

1. Those first three months were my initiation into bitch-hood. I was exclusively pumping and chained to my Medela, couldn’t drink alcohol, and sleep-deprived. I wanted people to help me, but when they did, it wasn’t right. I didn’t like handing over my new baby to my MIL, or even my sister, because I felt like I should do it all.

2. All around sleep deprivation: Ask any new mom what she wants for Christmas this year and she’ll tell you: “sleep”. It’s always something: they need to be swaddled, they’re teething, they’re overtired, they’re going through separation anxiety… the list goes on. No sleep = no patience. No patience = total bitch.

3. Everyone has an opinion. Once you utter the words, “I’m Pregnant”, that’s pretty much fair game for everyone and anyone to chime in and give their expert opinion. Don’t eat that. Eat more of this. Rest. Exercise. Breastfeeding is better. Formula is fine. He needs socks. He should be walking. SHUT UP ALREADY, before I punch you in the throat.

4. My body is not the same. I get it, growing a human is a big deal—its a miraculous and amazing thing. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be completely pissed off that I will never fit into my favorite jeans ever again because my hips have decided they never want to revert back to their original state. Or that I’ve just given up on wearing Victoria’s Secret bras and have instead incorporated a multitude of sports bras that aren’t for “sports” at all. Let me complain about how long it took me to lose the baby weight even though I willfully put on 50+ pounds from all the ice cream I ate while pregnant. I’ll never get that pre-baby body back, so yes, I’m going to bitch about it.

5. I love being a mom, but every once in a while, I need some time to myself. I don’t want to have to wipe anybody’s ass, get toys thrown in my face, plan my day around someone else’s sleep habits (or lack thereof). I want to do things by myself that go un-interrupted. Like spend 4 hours pinning awesome DIY crafts that I’ll never do or those 18-step recipes that I’ll never actually make. I want to eat a hamburger in my bed at 3 p.m. while watching How I Met Your Mother on Netflix. I need this time alone at least once a week, otherwise, prepare for the total bitch-mode that I will unleash on you, most likely when you first walk in the door after coming home from work.

I’m not being a bitch on purpose. It’s just motherhood’s fault.

Related post: Motherhood is Making Me Stupid

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