I have learned during this whole parenting journey that your kids are always watching you, and as the adults, we should stop being masters of assholery. It will just lead to even more dickweeds in this world. So set an example because we are all sick of entitled fuckstains.
If your kids have played with all the sugar packets and have opened all the containers of jelly at a restaurant and you have to rush out of there without having them tidy up the mess they just spread all over the table, and decide not to leave a big tip, you are a dick. If you can’t get through your meal without your kids destroying everything at the table, someone has to clean that up. A little tip isn’t going to cover it. How much would you charge to scrub a table free from jelly, ketchup, and half the salt shaker? What would you need to make getting under a table and picking up smashed french fries or buttery pasta off the ground worth your while?
If someone is breastfeeding their child or feeding them a bottle and you have a problem with it and can’t look the other way and have this overwhelming need to speak your opinion about how a mother is choosing to nourish her child, you are just a douche. End of story. Keep that shit to yourself. I have never met a mother whose mind was changed because some dickwad told her she was feeding her child the “wrong” way, in the “wrong” place.
If you kid is being an asshole, make them right the situation. Whether they are hitting, spitting, lying, or throwing rocks, teach them what is and isn’t socially acceptable. It is called teaching them not to be an asshole, because if you don’t someone else will.
If there is a child crying in a public place and it is bothering you (especially if there is a children’s menu or playground where you are), just leave. Don’t be a dicknut and complain to the manager. Put on your big panties, stand up, and walk the fuck out. And if your child is running around like their hair is on fire during church, a wedding, or moment of silence, scoop them up and head for the nearest exit. There is no need to spoil it for everyone.
If someone is behind you trying to watch their kid perform in a concert, play, or talent show (news flash: there is always someone behind you), stand up and take a quick picture — sure, we all understand. But you know what I don’t understand? When there is one assmunch who feels like it is just fine to stand up while holding their cell phone up high to record the whole thing as if nobody else is in the room and they are the goddamn camera crew. Sit the fuck down — you aren’t transparent.
While watching children play in a sporting event, if you are on the sidelines screaming things at them that do not resemble words of encouragement or constructive criticism and you aren’t their coach or parent (OK, even if you are), you are such a fuckweasel. The kid probably can’t hear or understand you, not mention I have never seen a 9-year-old man up and play a basketball game really well because some obnoxious adult with no self-control was getting all worked up on the sidelines. Calm the fuck down — this isn’t the Olympics.
We have all encountered enough cockbags in our lives. Let’s slim down the asshole population. Our kids are watching, and they follow our lead. If we all practice a little compassion, understanding, and self-control and just get the hell along, think about how much happier we would all be. Next time you find you self wanting to act like a dipshit (we have all been there), just reel it in. Our future generation will be better off because of it.
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