My daughter wants to know why she didn’t take dance class this year. Last year, she was in the 2-year-old’s class, which consisted of 15 little girls in diapers and tutus screaming for their mommies. When it came time for the dance recital, the moms were asked to stay on stage with their little dancers to make sure they didn’t fall off the stage.
Truthfully, she’s not taking dance class this year because I can’t sit through the recital. I still haven’t recovered from the ten year olds in black spandex and torn leopard T’s gyrating to Guns N Roses’ “Welcome To The Jungle.” I endured 5-hours of forgettable solos danced by proud dancers who may, or may not, know their left from their right. And I’m still not over the fear that my little dancer falling off the stage might be the visual highlight of the show for most in attendance.
You see friends, dance recitals are a torture no parent dares admit they’d rather not endure. A dance show may be a little girl’s right of passage, but it’s also really boring. And while the dancers are trying not to fall offstage, we parents are trying not to fall asleep. We may smile and shove flowers in your arms, but we’re dreaming of escaping.
You may not say it out loud, but here’s 20 things you’re probably thinking during your child’s dance show:
1. I hope this ends like “Little Miss Sunshine.”
2. The costumes are so beautiful. I love that all the dancers look like flowers or hookers.
3. How nice that you don’t have to have rhythm to be onstage.
4. I need to call Mom tonight and thank her for sitting through my dance recitals when I was a kid.
5. That rule that says everyone has to stay for the entire show is so lovely, but I’m praying it doesn’t apply to us.
6. If there’s a fourth “Frozen” medley, I’m out of here.
7. It’s been two hours. Only three more to go!
8. I’ll never complain about Little League practice again.
9. Why isn’t there wi-fi in here?
10. Ooooh, looks like she pulled something. Lucky. At least she gets to leave.
11. Maybe next year, I can convince mine to do gymnastics. There’s no recital in gymnastics, right?
12. It’s been three hours. Only two more to go!
13. Um, is that a pole?
14. That kid is wearing more make-up than a drag queen.
15. If I sit here any longer, I’m not going to be able to get up.
16. This show needs a lunch break.
17. Cute… a Robert Palmer tribute.
18. Whomever said, “all you have to do is try” never sat through a dance recital.
19. Four hours. Only one more to go!
20. Encore? Wait, who said anything about an encore?!