We love our kids with our whole being, but we all know they can push every last button we have. Suddenly you find yourself locked in the bathroom with your phone, stress eating stale chips. Sending parents over to the dark side seems to come easy for kids. A little too easy. How do they do this? Let me count the ways kids drive parents crazy.
Your little tyke comes over to you for the 45th time at the park because Tommy won’t get off the swing he wants. You want to scream, “Shut the fuck up and deal!” Instead you say, “You need to wait your turn and be patient,” or something really brilliant like that even though you know you will be saying it again—in like two minutes.
Especially in a public place. And they are always worse than they are at home because it is rewarding to put on a more dramatic display for strangers.
It takes kids a while to figure out parents know when they are lying, like when they come running to you soaked in toilet water while screaming, “I did not flush my teddy bear down the toilet!”
4. Ruining Stuff
They ruin lots of stuff—hell, they ruin all the stuff. Meal time, church, your prized peonies, sexy time.
5. Always Having to Pee
You get them in the car, and immediately they have to go. You sit down at a restaurant, and someone is gonna whiz in their pants. This of course happens as soon as your food arrives too. If something important is about to happen, it is a cue for a child to have to use the loo.
6. Calling You Out
“Sorry we are late—I got stuck in traffic.”
“No, Mommy, you were trying on shoes forever!”
7. Forgetting Lunch
You got it out for them, left it on the counter, and held it two inches in front of their eyeballs while saying, “Don’t forget your lunch!” They forget their fucking lunch.
“Tell me about the magic that makes us alive, Mommy!” “How fast is the speed of light compared to the speed of sound?” “How many rubber bands would it take to cover the earth?” I don’t fucking know. Please, make it stop.
9. Taking Forever to Get Out the Door
Suddenly nobody can find a pair of matching shoes, somebody starts bleeding, and by the time everybody is finally in the car, you have to take another piss. Which is really enjoyable while listening to the kids scream at you to hurry up. Karma is a bitch.
10. Not Eating at Mealtime
You prepared a delicious meal everyone will enjoy, except nobody is enjoying it. That would go against kid-code to be hungry at mealtime.
11. Crazy in the Car
For most parents, driving the car in a safe manner while the kids are trying to poke each others’ eyes out and repeatedly calling each other a dumb head is impossible. Getting overstimulated as an adult is real.
Can they just go one day without picking, teasing, or wanting everything their brother has? No, they can not because life is more fun when siblings fucking hate each other and mommy is crying into a pillow.
I totally enjoy sitting across from my son and watching the food turn in his mouth like a washing machine. And yes, please use your sleeve to wipe your mouth. Classy! I have taped the rules of family dinnertime to my forehead during mealtime. Don’t bother trying this—it doesn’t work.
14. Giving Up During Homework
I realize they have been in school all day and sometimes have copious amounts of homework, but putting their head down on the math worksheet is not going to get it done. Please pass the wine—it’s going to be a long night.
15. Peeing on the Toilet Seat
If you can open the toilet lid and are able to get pee all around the seat, then proceed to write your name on the floor, that is real talent, according to all the kids anyway.
16. Messy Rooms
It shouldn’t drive me crazy, but it does. If I walk into one of my kids’ rooms at any given point in time (even after the cleaning fairy has left), it looks like bad things happened in there. Very, very bad things.
17. Can’t Look for Anything
It is impossible to find anything or to take the time to look for anything, even if they are staring at it. Kids’ eyes can’t see anything they are trying to find.
18. Coming Alive at Bedtime
They hear it is time for bed and they want to know all the things, do all the things, read all the books, sing all the songs, and eat all the things.
19. Bad Things Happening While You Shower
Everyone is quietly watching the television, so it seems safe to slip in the shower. As you are lathering up, you hear glass breaking, loud thumping, and the dog barking. Soon you have a crying audience that needs you immediately.
Being a parent is tough, no doubt about it, but so is being a kid. Some days we handle them and ourselves better than others. And if it wasn’t for getting interrupted in the shower, trying hard to get everyone out the door, and the messy rooms, we probably would not enjoy those precious moments when everything is going swimmingly half as much.