Yet Another Way Kids Steal Joy & Kill Dreams

by Michael Cavender
Originally Published: 

Attention all women: ALL MEN PEE IN THE SHOWER.

No matter what your husband, boyfriend or fiancé has said to you, the truth is, he has, or is still peeing in your shower. This also applies but is not limited to; the ocean, pools, water fountains, public fountains, and random sinks. But for now let’s just stick with the shower.

Peeing in the shower used to be easy. The tub was nice and clean, there were no toys to move out of the way and I could just jump in, eyes closed and let her rip. However, in the last eight years or so my joys of having a good pee in the shower have all but diminished. (Unless, of course, I’m at a hotel or at a friend’s house. Sorry, guys.)

For the last eight years, I’ve had to add a third step to my shower.




See the problem here? It used to be:



The reason I can no longer pee in the shower? Kids.

Yes, those blood-sucking vampires who emerge from the womb all sweet and cuddly and then slowly morph into walking dream killers. As you can see, having kids has totally cramped my style and added one extra step to my shower experience. And it sucks.

It’s very hard to pee in the shower when my bathtub has been littered with toys for the last eight years. Those sticky alphabet letters? We got em. Floating duckies? We got em. Bowls from the kitchen, dog toys, mixing spoons, and any and everything that they can possibly sneaked into the bathtub has literately been littered at my feet when I step into the shower. One time I found a pork chop. In the bathtub. Many times over the years I’d search for a way that I could pee around the toys. I figured the water would just rinse them off, but almost always I’d talk myself out of it. But this morning I had a pleasant surprise.

When I woke up and stumbled into the bathroom, and as I climbed into the shower half asleep wiping my eyes, I looked down I noticed that the tub was empty, not one toy in sight. A huge rush came over me as my eyes opened wide and a sly grin crept up onto my face, but then suddenly as quickly as it had come, it all vanished. Because just then I realized…

… that I had just peed before getting into the shower.

Chalk up another win for the kids.

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