The last time I said, “Let’s do it” to my husband, we were both standing over a mound of fresh dung that had been excreted on the carpet by my 2-year-old. We were in the middle of potty training, and it was very clear that he was against pooping in the toilet. He didn’t want any part of it. So there we stood, yellow dish gloves protecting our hands and a bottle of Resolve Stain Remover in my husband’s grasp, ready for its one job.
Since we’ve had kids, we have caught ourselves saying phrases that we have always said, but realized that they have taken on new meanings. Here are the top six phrases that may change for you after reproducing human life:
1. Let’s Do It
Before you had kids, you would say this to your significant other in a sexy tone, with a seductive look in your eye and maybe even a vulgar hip thrust (if you’re that guy, like my husband). Once you reproduce, you will still say it, but what you will mean is that there are actual chores that need to be accomplished and fornication is absolutely not one of them. The kitchen looks like a bomb was detonated in it, the laundry room can’t be seen because it’s hidden underneath mounds of soiled underpants, and your living room looks like Toys “R” Us just dumped a freight truck of their newest merchandise in it.
Keep your clothes on, quit hip-thrusting at me and throw on some rubber gloves. Let’s get busy. Let’s do it. There’s important shit to be done.
2. I’m Tired
Before you had kids, you may have thought you were tired. You weren’t tired, you fool. You don’t even know what tired means until you have children dominating your life and sucking the energy out of your soul. Before, when you said you were “headed to bed” to the person you love, it meant that you were going to lie awake in the bed, probably scroll through social media sites and maybe get frisky if someone tried hard enough. But now, as parents, “I’m tired” means that you are going to bed. You’re going to close your eyes and sleep. You are actually tired and there is no point in trying to engage in sexual activity or you will lose an appendage. Arm, leg, genitalia—I don’t know, but something is definitely getting cut off if you touch me inappropriately.
I’m tired. I love you. Don’t touch me. Goodnight.
3. I Need a Drink
Before you had kids, you drank for fun. You only thought you had problems: Your boss sucks, your boy-toy cheated on you with your cousin, your dog pooped on the floor, blah blah blah. Your dog pooped the floor? My kid, a real-life human, pooped on me today. Before you and your loved one had the brilliant idea to start a family, you would use any excuse as to why you needed a drink. Now, as parents, we drink with a purpose. The reason that we drink adult beverages is lying in his bed cuddling his blankie at the moment. Sure, they are cute little beings, but toddler tantrums, ungrateful attitudes and teenage rebellion are real reasons to open the bottle.
You’re sad because Steve cheated again? Who cares. Steve was an asshole, and we all tried to tell you this.
4. In the Mood
Before kids, we never needed code words because we were always “in the mood.” But now, you must create code words to use around your children unless you feel like having The Talk with your 5-year-old. “Want to play a game later?” is not an acceptable phrase. My husband tried this one once, and as a result, my son refused to go to bed that night because he didn’t want to miss out on this “game” we were going to play. I mean, I don’t blame him. Poor choice of words, my dear. Now we say things like this, “Want to make the bed tonight? Feel like ironing some clothes? Should we clean out the pantry later?” These don’t sound fun to a toddler, or any adult. That is the point.
Just be sure you have discussed the code sentences with your mate; otherwise, this could be confusing. If not discussed prior, your wife may actually think that you are going to do something productive around the house, like clean out the freakin’ pantry. Also, practice your delivery: “Wanna, you know, clean out the pantry later babe?” (Insert repetitive eyebrow raises and slow wink here. Think, sexy pantry.) This will also help clarify your intentions.
5. Only What Is Necessary
Packing for vacations is like packing to flee the city after a zombie apocalypse. You try to pack “only what is necessary,” and you quickly realize everything you own is necessary in order for this trip to go smoothly. We need all of our gear. We have four people in this family, which means we need 17 bags—common sense. Vacations used to be vacations. Now they’re a test to see how strong your marriage is. If you come back from your “relaxing vacation” still married, then you have won.
6. I Love You
This is the one phrase that gets better after having children. You only thought you knew what true love was, but you don’t until you have a child. It’s a different kind of love. When you say you love your cat, it’s the same love I have for chocolate milk. The feelings are there, and extremely strong, but you have yet to experience a love that will bring out every emotion imaginable. You don’t say it just to say it. They aren’t filler words or something that you say out of habit. You mean it with every fiber of your existence. This phrase is the best one of all.
Getting to say I love you to a sweet baby makes all the other things that change in your life completely worth it.
And now I want another.
Wanna clean out the pantry babe?
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