Avoiding Sex With My Husband Cost Us Our Marriage

After having kids, something that used to run through my head several times a day was how I was going to get out of having sex with my then-husband. At first, it was occasional — which is normal, I think. Life happens. Things come up: headaches, exhaustion, stress.

But over time, it became something else entirely.

It got to the point where every time he touched me, he seemed to want to get it on. I had a hard time having sex knowing the kids were down the hall, even if they were sleeping. I was tired. I was touched out. And I had absolutely no sex drive.

Instead of really talking about it to see how we could work together to change our nonexistent sex life, we both grew resentful.

He’d try, I’d deny. He’d pout, I’d shut down further, trying to overcompensate in other ways. But it didn’t matter how many times I made his favorite dessert, how spotless the house was, or that he never had to do any of the cooking, cleaning, or grocery shopping. He was my husband, and he wanted to have sex with me.

The unhappier he grew, the more I avoided intimacy altogether. When he did bring it up, I felt defensive. He suggested therapy and got me some books to read, hoping it would help. I shut down more. It got to the point where I wasn’t sure if I could ever open myself up to him again. We were crumbling... and I let it happen.

Then our marriage ended.

We had gone nine months without having sex. He had an affair, which he confessed to. By then, we were too far gone. There was no coming back from that.

That was a decade ago, and at first, I thought I’d be OK. I assumed I’d eventually meet someone else that I’d want to have sex with, to build a life with. And while I’ve met men I’m attracted to, I haven’t found anyone I want to build a life with in the way I wanted to build a life with my husband.

I know that happens for some people after their divorce, but it hasn’t happened for me.

I have a lot of regrets. My ex and I were really happy when I had a sex drive. I stayed home with our kids, and I didn’t have to worry about much because he took care of the finances and the maintenance around the house. When things were good, they were really good.

I realize I’m not the one who stepped out on our marriage — he’s the one who did that — but I also can’t ignore the ways I withdrew from him long before that happened. If I had tried harder, gone to therapy like he wanted, read the books he gave me, and talked to him about things instead of getting defensive and denying him, could we have worked through it?

On the days our kids are with him, I beat myself up with thoughts like, Well, if I had just had sex with him, my family wouldn’t be broken.

I know, logically, it’s not that simple. There were two of us in that marriage.

Still, it’s a burden I carry. I would have been fine to stay in a sexless marriage for my children, but my ex-husband wasn't, and that’s absolutely valid. Everyone wants to be desired. He just wanted more than I could give him at the time.

I honestly didn’t think that not having sex with him would end our marriage, and now, that seems totally unfair. I couldn’t see that what felt temporary to me might have felt permanent to him. Ten years later, I’m still sitting in the aftermath of that misunderstanding.

I wish I’d done more. I often wonder how different our lives would look for our entire family if I had. And I’m not sure how to forgive myself and move forward.