Why A “Dead Bedroom” Isn’t The Relationship Death Sentence We’ve Been Told It Is

For many of us, we equate sex with success in a relationship: The more sex we have, the more connected or intimate we assume we are. But if you and your partner have stopped having sex, or are having less than usual — whether temporarily or permanently — you might find yourselves in what’s commonly called a “dead bedroom.”

Just the phrase “dead bedroom” can make it feel like something is inherently wrong with your relationship. The term refers to couples who have sex rarely or not at all. It’s not a medical term, and there’s no official definition or set time frame that experts use to label a relationship as “sexless.” How often couples have sex varies widely, and what feels “normal” differs from person to person. For some, having sex once a week or once a month may feel infrequent, while others may go months (or even years) without it before feeling concerned. If they feel concerned at all, that is.

Because here’s the thing: Just because you’re not having sex, or not having much sex, doesn’t mean you have less of a marriage... or that your marriage has to end.

“Intimacy and connection aren’t synonymous with sex. We tend to equate relationship success with sexual activity, but couples can build deeply affectionate, resilient, and fulfilling partnerships without it,” says Kai Korpak, LCSW, psychotherapist and assistant director of training and wellness at Best Therapies.

He says nonsexual partnerships challenge conventional ideas about love and success, and that these relationships actually expand our understanding of love.

“For many asexual and gray-asexual people, nonsexual partnerships aren’t a deviation from intimacy; they’re an authentic expression of connection,” he explains. “Emotional, intellectual, and physical closeness can thrive outside traditional sexual scripts. Ultimately, nonsexual partnerships expand our understanding of what it means to love by centering communication, shared purpose, and companionship over performance or desire.”

It’s also common. There’s a very active Reddit thread devoted to “dead bedroom,” and the New York Times reports that 15% of marriages have a dead bedroom.

So if you’re experiencing a dry spell, what does it mean for your relationship — emotionally, psychologically, and practically? Experts say there are ways to maintain closeness, even when the sexual connection changes.

Some of the Most Common Reasons Couples Experience a “Dead Dedroom”

If you haven’t wanted sex or engaged in sex with your partner for a while, Birna Gustafsson, a New York-based university instructor in human sexuality and public health advocate, says that’s pretty normal, as dips in sexual activity in marriages are common.

“All relationships go through periods of more or less sex, and periods without as much contact can be natural in long-term relationships as priorities shift,” she says. “Periods of time without sex can definitely happen as a result of being together for a long time, and many couples start feeling less like romantic partners and more like roommates.”

However, she adds that a “dead bedroom” can sometimes point to deeper issues.

“Sometimes it’s due to larger issues like pent-up resentment or unmet emotional needs,” she says. “Other times, it’s just the feeling of ‘been there, done that’ — a lack of novelty or sexual rut.”

Signs your dead bedroom might be a real problem:

• You long for the sexual connection you once had, but can’t reignite it
• Both partners would rather masturbate than engage with each other
• Even talking about sex feels awkward or tedious when it didn’t before
• You want to have sex, but feel too disconnected to initiate

The main thing to look for, says Gustafsson, is an underlying feeling of longing or a desire to see change.

“Ignore what you ‘should’ be doing and instead ask what makes you genuinely fulfilled with your partner,” she says. “Some people would rather have less sex, but the sex be a long, slow, passionate session each time. Others enjoy ‘maintenance’ sex and find the connection thrilling. For some couples, their sensual touch and physical intimacy needs are being met without actually having sex. The issue arises when one partner seeks a change in their sex life while the other partner doesn’t feel the same urge. In such cases, it is worth considering counseling or addressing lifestyle factors.”

The Emotional and Psychological Impacts of Non-Sexual Relationships

Sometimes a “dead bedroom” isn’t about something going wrong at all, but rather a conscious choice. When couples intentionally decide to have a nonsexual relationship, Korpak says it can bring a surprising sense of relief and even deepen their connection. “Many folks report relief from performance pressure, greater body comfort, and deeper friendship,” he explains.

But if one partner still desires sex, the mismatch can hurt: “When there’s a desire discrepancy, the mismatch can lead to feelings of rejection, grief, and frustration,” he says. “What matters most is not the presence or absence of sex, but whether both partners feel understood and valued.”

Both Gustafsson and Korpak stress that nonsexual intimacy can still be passionate and fulfilling. “Physical closeness can remain deeply meaningful through nonsexual touch: cuddling, grooming, sharing a sensual (nonsexual) massage, or other connected forms of care,” says Korpak.

Gustafsson echoes this. “Engaging in sensual touch without the expectation of sex can be a real fire starter,” she says. “It lessens pressure and can make partners more eager to connect sensually without guilt or obligation.”

She adds, “Affectionate, sensual touch doesn’t have to take much effort — hold hands, rub their back, kiss their forearm. Find little ways to pepper in touch and intimacy in a way that feels authentic to your relationship.”

Gustafsson says it’s important to focus on sensual touch without the goal of sex, and not to seek sex as a reward for good behavior. “Broaden your definition of sex or redefine what ‘counts’ as a satisfying sexual experience,” she says. “Try mutual masturbation in the dark while talking to each other through it. Reminisce on your favorite sexual experiences together via text while one of you is away for the weekend.”

She also recommends shaking things up outside of the bedroom and trying new things together. “Make new memories, find ways to find that crush again,” she says. “Sometimes that involves spending some time apart so you have a chance to miss each other, too. A weekend trip with friends or scheduling more time out of the house can do wonders, as long as you make an effort to connect again when you return.”

Handling the Pressure of a Non-Sexual Marriage

While you might be far from being alone if you and your partner are having less sex (or none at all), that doesn’t mean it’s easy to navigate the cultural pressure that tells us sex is the ultimate measure of love and success.

“We’re constantly told that healthy relationships require sex, so couples often interpret very natural fluctuations in desire as warning signs,” Korpak explains. “This can create unnecessary shame and anxiety, even in emotionally strong partnerships.”

He adds that it helps to redefine what satisfaction actually means in your relationship. “Expanding cultural definitions of satisfaction allows couples to honor what’s real for them instead of chasing someone else’s standards.”

It’s also vital to remember that there’s nothing inherently wrong with a nonsexual relationship, says Gustafsson.

“Some couples are perfectly happy despite having less sex because their priorities have shifted or they find other meaningful ways to foster intimacy,” she says. “The issue only arises when one partner seeks a change in their sex life while the other doesn’t feel the same urge.”

Both experts agree that releasing the shame around sex frequency is key. You can love your partner deeply, be affectionate, and remain emotionally close without constant sexual activity... and that doesn’t make your relationship broken or less valid.

“A common misconception is that people in nonsexual relationships are unhappy, repressed, or avoiding something,” says Korpak. “That’s simply not true, particularly for people on the asexual spectrum. For ace and gray-ace folks, a relationship without sex can be deeply aligned with their orientation, not a symptom of avoidance or loss of something. In reality, many nonsexual partnerships are some of the most affectionate and stable relationships. They prioritize different expressions of intimacy in ways that match each partner's needs and desires in the relationship.”

Ultimately, as Gustafsson puts it, every single relationship has to find the rhythm that suits them — and not what society says.

“It is less about how often you’re having sex and more about how you feel about the sex you’re having (or not having),” she says. “I hear from couples all the time that they’re incredibly satisfied with their intimate lives despite rarely engaging in penetrative or oral sex. Who are we to tell them they’re wrong? If you’re happy with having less sex than the idea society sells you, embrace it. Some people don’t want to have more sex but feel like they should, so doubt or anxiety creeps in. Intimacy and connection take many forms, and most of them don’t involve sex at all.”