How To Have Spontaneous Sex When Your Partner Has ED
And why you might not want to make spontaneity your only goal.
Erectile dysfunction (ED) is rising in younger men, meaning the likelihood that it could affect your own relationship is going up, too. As more and more men are diagnosed and ED is added to all the layers of our lives that make intimacy hard — busy work lives, kids, let alone actual conflict with one another — it’s easy to feel like your sex life is just doomed. So, if you’re still learning about what living with erectile dysfunction entails, it’s natural to wonder: Can you still have spontaneous sex with ED?
Because if we’re being real, if you’re taking medications to help with ED, it can feel like you’re on a time clock to get it on. You’re having to plan and time things so carefully. And pressure is never sexy for anybody. That’s why we asked a urologist and some sex therapists about how to have spontaneous sex with ED. It turns out you have options, ranging from medications and how they’re dosed to changing your frame of mind a little.
Can you still have spontaneous sex with ED?
Short answer: yes. The full picture: You will need to work at it. You could start by talking to your urologist about it and seeing how medication might support your spontaneity goal.
“ED medications can be very helpful in supporting spontaneity, especially when used strategically,” says urologist Dr. Martina Ambardjieva. “For example, tadalafil (Cialis) is often favored because it has a longer window of action — up to 36 hours — which allows couples to be intimate without racing the clock. This flexibility makes intimacy feel more natural and less performance-driven.”
She adds that for some people, it’s OK to take a low dose of tadalafil daily in order to eliminate time constraints altogether. It’s something for your partner to check with their doctor about if it would make your intimate life work better for you both. “The key is finding a routine that works with a couple’s lifestyle so that the medication becomes a background support, not the center of the experience,” Ambardijeva says.
That said, you will still need to talk about ED and share in the hurdles of it together. “Medications aren’t magic. They help the body respond to arousal, but they don’t create arousal. Which means that emotional safety, physical stimulation, and nervous system regulation are still essential,” says Todd Baratz, LMHC, a psychotherapist and sex therapist, and member of the plusOne Wellness Collective.
Having a full sex life doesn’t require spontaneity, though.
If ED is part of your relationship, you’re probably going to have to rework how you think about sex and intimacy, experts say. It can be helpful to work with a sex therapist to learn new skills and figure out how to approach sex moving forward so it still feels good for everyone involved, says Dr. Jennifer Litner, certified sex therapist and human sexuality educator.
“Spontaneous sex can be appealing because it offers a rush of excitement and feels intensely different from a lot of other mundane things that occur in our lives. Spontaneous sex is often modeled to us in TV and film which sends the message that it's common, but that doesn't mean it's the only way or the right way to have sex,” she says.
"Our cultural obsession with spontaneous sex is less about reality and more about bad sex ed," Baratz agrees. "We're taught that great sex should just happen — no effort, no planning. But real desire doesn't work like that. It's not automatic; it's created. Planned sex can be way more arousing than spontaneous sex because it builds anticipation, attention, and presence."
Baratz says real sexual satisfaction doesn't come from the spontaneity of it all, but from "slowing down, staying in your body, and co-creating erotic moments on purpose."
His advice? Redefine what sex is in your relationship. "Penetration is just one part of a much bigger erotic picture," he says, and you can choose to stop centering it. "There is mutual masturbation, oral sex, and a variety of other ways to connect sexually and erotically. Think touch, fantasy, sensation, breath, eye contact. When you expand the definition, you expand what's possible."
It's also OK to laugh so you don't cry here. Humor really does help. "ED can bring up feelings of shame, loss, or frustration for everyone involved. But at the end of the day we're talking about sex, and it has to be fun. So you have to be able to name what comes up and move past it, or else sex will become defined by anxiety," says Baratz.
So yes, you can have spontaneous sex with ED. That said, perhaps achieving that ability shouldn't be your only goal.
