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No But(t)s About It, These Colonoscopy Jokes Will Knock Out Pre-Procedure Nerves

The waiting room will thank you.

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
Woman filling out forms at doctor's office — colonoscopy jokes
Heath Korvola/Getty Images

There are certain medical procedures that have long been the butt of jokes (and puns), including, of course, the colonoscopy. It makes sense when you think about it: Humor is a powerful tool for easing awkward or uncomfortable situations and helping people relax. Between all the colonoscopy jokes about the procedure being a pain in the ass, and people wondering whether their results will show that they’re actually full of crap, you may be a little nervous before your first appointment. But(t) honestly, don’t be — your doctor has performed the procedure countless times, and while you may experience some discomfort, ultimately, you can feel good about getting it done. The results will either give you some peace of mind about what’s going on in your large intestine or alert you to a problem at a point in time that (hopefully) makes it easier to treat.

So, the next time you or someone you love is having the vital screening procedure, break out some of these colonoscopy jokes and puns to make them laugh their butt off… or at least lighten the mood. And if you’re the one with a colonoscopy on the calendar, well, good for you! Screenings save lives. When your nerves kick in, though, use the following zingers to keep them at bay.

Colonoscopy Jokes That’ll Make You Laugh Your Butt Off

1. Colonoscopies are important.

They really help doctors get to the bottom of your health issues.

2. My uncle has a colonoscopy scheduled for this afternoon.

Butt don’t worry; he should be fine.

3. I just got a bill from my doctor for the bowel prep before my colonoscopy.

Man, that sh*t was expensive!

4. My mother was supposed to have a colonoscopy today, but she told me it was canceled because of COVID.

I told her not to worry; she’ll still get it in the end.

5. What kind of camera do doctors use for colonoscopies?


6. My friend asked me about what happens during a colonoscopy.

I started to tell her, but explaining the process was a pain in the ass.

7. My colonoscopy wasn’t the best experience of my life, but it was up there.

8. After my colonoscopy, I asked my doctor and nurses if I could list them as references on my resume.

9. After all, they’re the only ones who truly know me inside and out.

10. I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.

Now I’m in arrears.

11. My doctor says I have to go for a colonoscopy next week.

It’s a real bummer.

12. Let’s hope your doctor has a rebuttal ready for your colonoscopy joke.

13. Everything went as planned during my colonoscopy, but at the same time, it was a real sh*tshow.

14. My father had a colonoscopy and had to then have surgery to remove a tumor in his colon.

Now he has a semi-colon.

15. I had a colonoscopy recently, and believe it or not, getting the camera up there doesn’t hurt as much as you might think.

It’s the crew that’s the killer.

16. I have inner beauty — and the colonoscopy video to prove it.

17. What do you call an Irish proctologist?

Colin O’Scopy.

18. I’m tired of being the butt of all these colonoscopy jokes.

19. As a trainee proctologist, I had to work my way up from the bottom.

20. Three guys are talking in a bar one day. They start talking about how their cars reflect their careers. The first guy says, “I’m a museum docent, and so I drive a cheap Escort.” The second guy says, “I’m a herpetologist, and so I drive a Dodge Viper.” The third guy says, “I’m a proctologist, and I drive a brown Probe.”

21. I’ve just seen the video of my colonoscopy.

The picture was crap.

22. After I had my colonoscopy, the proctologist asked if I had any questions.

Apparently, “Do you do birthday parties?” was the wrong answer.

23. I’ve been in the doctor’s office for an hour, waiting to be called back for my colonoscopy.

I guess they are really backed up today.

24. I got one of those at-home colonoscopy tests.

The results were really hard to swallow.

25. What did the dog say to the man after his colonoscopy?


26. How do you properly toast someone drinking their colonoscopy prep?

“Bottoms up!”

27. Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?

He does 18 holes a day.

28. What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?

A colonoscopoo.

29. I had to go to the hospital for a gastroscopy today. There were three other guys in the waiting room. The doctor came through and explained what was happening to the four of us. He said that I was having the gastroscopy, which is the camera down the throat, and the other three were there for a colonoscopy, which is the camera up the butt. He then asked if any of us had any questions. I said, “Yes… can I go first?”

30. My doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.

A clock.

31. I had a colonoscopy yesterday, and I think the doctor must have gotten carried away.

I said to him, “Can you back that up a little? It’s irritating my tonsils.”

32. Did you hear about the psychiatrist and proctologist who opened a practice together?

They called it “Odds and Ends.”

33. “Straight ahead for a bit; then there’s a sharp left, so take it slowly,” I said.

“The screen is for my benefit, Mrs. Jones, “and this isn’t my first colonoscopy.”

34. A proctologist is about to write something on his patient’s notes, but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket, he realizes it’s actually his thermometer that’s there.

He says, “Darn, some a**hole has my pen.”

35. A man gets released from his first colonoscopy into the recovery room. His wife and doctor arrive bedside to discuss the results of his operation. Before the doctor can open his mouth, the wife says, "Did you find his head?"

36. I recently had a colonoscopy, and I learned that my wife is wrong and my head is not up there.

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