117 Poop Jokes And Puns That Definitely Don't Stink Scary Mommy

117 Cheeky Poop Jokes And Puns That Definitely Don’t Stink

October 29, 2019 Updated November 13, 2020

poop jokes
Hero Images/ Getty Images

Something smells, and it smells bad. Must be the odor of these funny poop jokes and puns?. No matter your age, a good fart and diarrhea joke will always bring the kid out in you. After all, it’s the great equalizer, isn’t it? We all poop! So we’ve gone ahead and rounded up some of the funniest, kid-friendly jokes about crap you’ve ever read. This list features over 100 jokes so bad, they’re good. Get to telling and give all the family a giggle.

RELATED: Literally Just Advice On How To Make Yourself Poop, Because Sh*t Doesn’t Always Happen

1. Wanna hear a poop joke?
Nah, they always stink.

2. Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.

3. What did one piece of toilet paper say to another?
I’m feeling really wiped.

4. What do women and toilet paper have in common?
They both deal with a lot of crap.

6. Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
To look for Pooh!

7. What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.

8. Why did the man bring toilet paper to the party?
He’s a party pooper.

9. Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.

10. What did the bottle of conditioner do to the toilet?
Shampooed.

11. How do you say “fart” in German?
Farfrompoopin.

12. Why did the lady stop telling poop jokes?
Everyone told her that they stink.

13.Why does Piglet always smell bad?
Because he plays with Pooh.

14. People who tell you that they’re constipated are full of crap.

15. Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.

poop jokes, woman laughing
Giphy

16. A little boy is walking down the country road one day when he comes across a man who has a truckload of cow manure.
The boy asks him what he’s going to do with all that cow poop. The man says, “I’m taking it home to put on my strawberries.” The little boy looks up at the man and says, “I don’t know where you come from, but where I come from we put cream and sugar on our strawberries.”

17. What’s the definition of surprise?
A fart with a lump in it.

18. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
The BP station.

19. Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the “p” is silent.

20. Her: That’s disgusting!
Me: Sorry. Sometimes I like to poop with the door open.
Her: You shouldn’t be pooping in the car at all.

21. When is the best time to go to the restroom?
Poo-thirty.

22. Why don’t blondes take their phones into the bathroom?
They don’t want to give away their IP address.

23. What’s a surfer’s second greatest fear?
A shart attack.

24. What do you call a bathroom superhero?
Flush Gordon.

25. Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.

26. What does Superman call his bathroom?
The Super bowl.

27. What did the fast-food worker say to the toilet?
Did you order a number two? I have one ready for you.

28. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
Salad Shooter.

29. What do you call a magical poop?
Poodini.

30. What do you call a fairy in the bathroom?
Stinkerbell.

31. Do clown farts smell funny?

32. Poop is a crap palindrome.

33. A man asks his girlfriend’s father for permission to marry his daughter.
“Are you kidding me? You’re so poor, you can’t even afford to buy her toilet paper!” scoffs the father. “True,” says the man. “But, I’d never marry a girl that full of crap.”

34. Why did the cop sit on the toilet?
To do his duty.

35. Why did they install a toilet in the garbage heap?
Everyone had to take a dump.

poop jokes
Hero Images/ Getty Images

36. What do you get when you combine a Sham-Wow and a Snuggie?
A reason to pee in your pants.

37. What do you use to make a house made of dung smell better?
Pooporri!

38. What do you special effects guys call bowel movements?
3D Farts.

39. My love for you is like diarrhea.
I can’t hold it in.

40. Why doesn’t Chuck Norris ever flush the toilet?
He scares the poop out of it.

41. What’s the best snack to eat while watching a movie that stinks?
Poopcorn.

42. What, exactly, is a fart?
A lonely cry from an abandoned turd.

43. Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
No?
So you’re the one!

44. What did Spock find in the Enterprise toilet?
The Captain’s Log.

45. Why is the toilet a good place for a nap?
It’s in the rest room.

46. Two bats are doing their usual thing and hanging upside down together.
“What was the worst day of your life?” asks the one bat.
“The day I had diarrhea,” answers the other.

47. I called the incontinence hotline the other day.
The operated had the audacity to ask me to hold.

48. When Queen Elizabeth farts, is it considered a noble gas?

49. What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.

50. What did you get when you mix castor oil with holy water?
A religious movement.

51. The person who originally said, “Laughter is the best medicine” had clearly never had diarrhea.

52. How do you get the bathroom unlocked in a hurry?
With a doo-key.

Related: Knock, Knock! Who’s There? 60+ Hilarious Jokes That Will Knock You Over

53. Which movie is always the worst of the trilogy?
The turd one.

54. Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He had problems with his last movement.

55. Wanna hear a poop joke?
Nevermind. It’s too corny.

56. Poop jokes aren’t my favorite.
But they’re a solid number two.

57. Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your genes.

58. You never really appreciate what you’ve got until it’s gone.
Toilet paper is a good example.

59. If pooping is the call of nature, is farting like a missed call?

60. What’s big and brown and behind the wall?
Humpty’s Dump.

61. Have you seen the movie Diarrhea?
It leaked so they had to release it early.

poop jokes, man holding head saying oh no
Friends, Giphy

62. What did the poop say to the fart?
You blow me away.

63. What did one fly say to the other?
Is this stool taken?

64. Did you know that when you say the word “poop”, your mouth does the same motion as your bum hole?
The same is true for the phrase, “explosive diarrhea.”

65. What do you get when you poop in your overalls?
Dung-arees.

66. People say love is the best feeling ever.
But I think finding a toilet when you’re having diarrhea is better.

67. What’s brown and firm?
The Brown Family Law Firm.

68. When does Denzel Washington have to hang out with the Rugrats?
Potty Training Day.

69. “Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?”
“Pooping.”

70. Children are like farts.
Your own are just about bearable, but everyone else’s are horrendous.

71. I ate four cans of alphabet soup yesterday.
Then I had probably the biggest vowel movement ever.

72. Stop making me laugh.
You’ll make me puma pants.

73. When bears poop in the woods, is the smell unbearable?

74. Parent’s truth:
The further you are from the bathroom, the more urgently your kid needs to poop.

75. Have you seen the new movie, “Constipated?”
It hasn’t come out yet.

76.To everyone out there suffering from constipation…
I sincerely hope you have a really shitty day.

77. Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn’t budget.

78. I was going to tell you another poop jokes, but it’s too crappy.

79. A little old man who’s hard of hearing goes to see the doctor.
As he can’t hear very well, he takes his wife with him. The doctor examines the man and then says, “I think we need to take a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample.” The old man turns to his wife and asks, “What did he say?” The wife replies, “He said he wants your underwear.”

80. What’s the true definition of bravery?
Chancing a fart when you know you have diarrhea.

81. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

82.I used to suffer from constipation…
That shit was hard.

83. This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I’m afraid to use the restroom.

84. A wife attempted to send a romantic text to her husband.
She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

85. Why did the baker have smelly hands?
He kneaded a poo.

poop jokes, man gagging
Giphy

86. I had a bathroom emergency at work today.
It must have been worse than I thought because my co-worker tried to open a window.
We work on a submarine.

87. How did the toilet react when it received a gift?
“Oh, how pot-ful!”

88. Why are there no toilets in Hell?
Because it is damnation without relief.

89. Toilet paper is totally worthless, but you know what’s even more worthless?
My art degree.

90. What do you get when you cross a rhino and a toilet?
No idea. But, I’m not using that bathroom.

91. Did you hear about the golden toilet that was stolen?
It hasn’t been found yet, but the owner said he’ll be relieved when it is.

92. What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.

93. Why didn’t the soldier flush the toilet?
It wasn’t his duty.

94. Why aren’t there toilets in some banks?
Because they don’t all accept deposits.

95. What’s the difference between good and bad toilet paper?
One is terrible and one is tearable.

96. The toilet and the toilet paper are arguing.
The owner of the house had diarrhea. So, who’s day was crappier?

97. Two rolls of toilet paper walked into a bar.
One rolled out.

98. I need to buy a new toilet bowl.
The one I have is full.

99. I like toilets for two reasons.
Number 1 and number 2.

100. I bought a toilet brush yesterday, but I gotta say…
I prefer toilet paper.

101. I actually really like single-ply toilet paper.
It helps me stay in touch with my inner self.

102. What’s your favorite cartoon?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turdles.

103. How do you help a man with constipation?
You pull the shit out of him.

Related: 182 Hilarious Jokes For Kids That Adults Find Funny Too

104. Today I learned that diarrhea is hereditary
It runs in your jeans.

105. It’s funny how corn maintains its shape once you poop it out
Yet it tastes completely different.

106. What did one ass cheek say to the other?
Oh My God! What’s that smell coming from the corridor.

107. What’s a clean poop?
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but there’s no poo on the toilet paper.

108. What’s a Lincoln Log poop?
The kind of poo that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

109. What’s a corn poop?
No explanation necessary.

110. What’s a Crowd Pleaser poop?
This poo is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

111. What’s the difference between a mayor and a person with diarrhea?
One of them runs a city, and one of them sits a runny.

112. Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer with diarrhea
That means one guy likes it.

113. My doctor said I had chronic constipation.
To be honest, I couldn’t give a shit.

114. A bear and a rabbit are in a field.
The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, “Does your poop stick to your fur?”
The rabbit replied, “Nope.”
So, the bear picked the rabbit up and wiped his butt with it.

115. What do you call a planet that poops?
Uranus.

116. What do cows calls poop?
Moo-nure.

117. What did one toilet paper say to the next?
You’re on a roll!