“Default Parent Divorce” Is On The Rise — & It’s About A Lot More Than Chores

Marriages end for a multitude of reasons, all highly personal. My parents split when I was a child, and I remember hushed whispers about "adultery" and, later, visiting my dad and his new girlfriend in the tiny apartment behind his family business. Now, as an adult, I realize there were likely many more factors before the infidelity that led to the demise of my parents’ marriage. Hindsight being what it is, it's clear to me that my mom's invisible load — raising three young children while my father was often away on business — was incredibly heavy.

I don't pretend to know all of the reasons for their divorce, and honestly, they've both grown a lot over the years and landed exactly where they should be, with incredible partners. What I do know is that today, more breakups and divorces seem to be rooted in that disproportionate mental load moms experience, something that we now have a name for: default parent syndrome.

According to a recent Skylight Mental Load Report, 78% of moms consider themselves the default parent, with those primary caregivers saying they carry roughly 75% of the mental load for their family. If that's you in your household, you understand what it means: You're the knower of shoe sizes, the finder of lost water bottles, the tracker of snack inventory, the maker of appointments, the emotional barometer of the entire household, and the only one who remembers that the field trip form is due tomorrow.

And while that's all too often just considered the status-quo dynamic, anecdotally, "default parent divorce" does appear to be on the rise. No secret affairs, no double lives to blame, just a growing number of women realizing that the real dealbreaker isn't the big stuff — it's the quiet erosion that comes from being the only one who knows when the library books are due.

Because it's not just about "chores" or packing lunches; we're talking about anticipating everyone's needs before they even arise.

"Default parent syndrome extends far beyond household tasks," therapist Erin Pash, CEO and founder of Pash Co., tells Scary Mommy. "It's about carrying the invisible mental and emotional labor for the entire family — tracking children's needs, schedules, development, and social lives. This creates a fundamental power imbalance where one parent becomes the family manager while the other becomes merely an assistant. In my practice, clients often describe the exhaustion of constantly having to notice, plan, and delegate, creating resentment that erodes relationship satisfaction."

That resentment lives in the endless silence that comes after asking, "Can you help me?" one too many times and hearing nothing in return. It compounds in the realization that you aren't just tired — you're alone. When moms say they feel like single parents while married, it's not an exaggeration; it's the emotional reality for many.

This emotional reality comes with real-life side effects that frequently lead to the breakdown of relationships.

"Today's mothers often balance careers alongside parenting, creating an impossible double burden when also managing the household. Many of my clients are recognizing the mental health consequences of this imbalance, including chronic stress, anxiety, depression, and burnout from the cognitive overload," says Pash, adding, "Intimacy suffers as they feel more like a household manager than a romantic partner."

More and more, though, moms are realizing it doesn't have to be this way.

Says Pash, "There's a growing awareness that this pattern isn't inevitable, allowing women to name their experience rather than accepting it. Economic independence gives many women the option to leave relationships that harm their well-being rather than continue feeling like single parents while married."

Mothers are also acutely aware that default parent syndrome can have lasting consequences for their kids, with Pash pointing out, "Children learn to direct all needs to the default parent, creating a self-reinforcing cycle that increases that parent's burden while depriving children of a full relationship with the other parent. Meanwhile, the non-default parent develops a peripheral role in family emotional life, often expressing regret later about missed connections during their children's formative years."

Unfortunately, by the time many couples seek help in this situation, the damage is already done... and perhaps beyond being undone.

"The heartbreaking reality I see: Often, a husband wakes up to his wife's pain only when she finally presents a real, serious threat of divorce. Sometimes, by then, it's too late. She's already gone emotionally," Michelle Christensen, a relationship and sex coach certified in Relational Life Therapy and the Fair Play Method, shares.

Silver lining? Pash and Christensen agree that if you feel stuck in a relationship with this sort of imbalance but want to save your marriage, there can be hope.

"When both partners commit to true co-parenting, their relationships improve and they model healthy partnerships for their children," says Pash. "Addressing this issue creates a family system where both parents are fully engaged, present, and responsible — benefiting everyone. While dismantling these deeply internalized patterns requires intentional effort, the resulting partnership brings renewed connection, reduced stress, and a healthier family for all involved.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​"

In Christensen's experience, the key is doing something truly different... and it may be difficult for many moms at first (myself included!): "Successful women allow consequences to land."

She elaborates, "They stop absorbing the cost themselves: emotionally, energetically, mentally. They ask for what they need, with kindness and clarity, and then they do the really difficult thing: They let balls drop if their partners don't step up."

Many moms she's seen turn things around in their marriage have gotten their partner's attention this way before falling out of love. "But it's painful," she notes, "because they have to let the people they care about — their partners, their kids, and even themselves — feel the discomfort of the imbalance and of them NOT covering all the bases."

Still, as difficult as it may be at first, that action (or inaction) on your part can compel true change.

The bottom line? Christensen says moms must "stop shit-sponging, or absorbing dysfunction to keep the peace." She cautions that we mustn't swing over to fury either but speak with clarity and kindness, not resignation or rage.

When you zoom out, default parent syndrome affecting relationships isn't an isolated or rare story. It's a millennial marriage epidemic. A pattern. And as a result, another is forming: Moms are leaving. Not because they don't love their partners, but because they're done parenting them, too.

You don't wake up one day and say, "I'm done." You wake up a thousand days in a row, asking yourself, Why am I doing this alone when I'm not supposed to be? Eventually, you stop asking. It's not necessarily yelling or fighting. It's watching someone walk past the overflowing laundry basket — again — and realizing you don't want to do this for 10 more years.

You can only say, "Did you check the backpack?" so many times before your soul leaves your body.

Being married with kids is hard. But it should still feel like a partnership, not a job you're running solo with no PTO and endless overtime. It can change. Society has to change too, though.

"Our culture has given women few good role models for this. Mostly, we've seen women in martyrdom or revenge," points out Christensen. "But deeper intimacy lies along that powerful, narrow road of loving yourself and your partner simultaneously and communicating with courage and an open heart."