5 Ways It's Hard to Be a Lesbian Mother

by Charisse Oates
Originally Published: 
A lesbian proposing to her girlfriend with a wedding ring

Being a woman is tough. There are so many things to contend with on a daily basis. Women have periods. And hormones (lots of hormones). And we have feelings (such big feelings). We have to deal with panty hose. And the expectation that we look presentable (whatever the hell that means) at all times.

To add to the difficulties of just being a woman, we then decide to become a wife. And now we are expected to keep a house, care for our spouse, and not be a louse.

On top of that, we get to be mothers, and man, can that get messy. There’s the crying, screaming, yelling, and poop to deal with…and that’s all just during labor. Don’t even ask me to go into raising an actual child.

But… and this is a big one, imagine doing all that — with a wife of your own. Can’t? Here are five ways it’s hard to be a lesbian mother…

1. Spiders. When you’re married to a man, all spider and bug duties are immediately HIS thing. With us? I will trade mating a whole load of socks if she will just go kill the spider in the shower. Of course, we have to show that we’re strong women when our daughter is around and we can’t just shriek and run, so when our kiddo finds the spider, then the nearest Mom has to take care of it (fortunately now we just tell her to get a shoe and a paper towel and take care of it herself so that we don’t have to do it – she is 9 and a half years, thankfully).

2. Go ask your mother doesn’t really work in our household. Neither does, “wait until your mother gets home.” So, we mostly just have to answer whatever our daughter brings to us, except for periods and puberty…I’ve got that one (or so I’ve recently been informed).

3. Mother’s Day. While all of your friends are preparing to be pampered by their husband and kids (or preparing to be let down by not being pampered), here I am trying to figure out what I can get away with not doing on the day that I share with my wife. Do I still have to get up and make breakfast? I can’t expect her to do it because it’s her day, too. I am not selfish enough to ask her to, and she is not dyke enough to celebrate her day on Father’s Day. So we’ve found a compromise: Both of and neither of us get the day off; we take her mother to brunch and spend the day out gallivanting around town so that there is nothing to be done or ignored at home.

4. Who’s the REAL mom? Yeah…that question. In this day and age, when there is so much forward progression, people still think that this is an acceptable question. There is not ONE REAL mom. We are both REAL moms. Our daughter calls us BOTH Mom.

5. Periods. You know how you and your friends all sync up during that special time of the month when you’re just hanging out on a regular basis? Now imagine that you’re hanging out with one special lady seven days a week, for upwards of 12 hours a day. And you know how sometimes you just want to tell your friends to go the hell home because if they eat one more damn piece of your chocolate you are going to be forced to tear their left arm off of their body and shove it down their throat? You can’t exactly do that with the mother of your child. It’s just not good practice. Pass the bon-bons.

I’m not saying that everything about being a lesbian mother is tough, nor am I saying it’s more difficult than being a straight parent. What I am saying is that being a lesbian married mom comes with its own set of challenges and some days those can be overwhelming.

Especially the days with spiders.

Related post: How to Talk To Your Children About Gay Parents

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