Welcome to Ask A MWLTF (Yes, that’s Mother Who Likes to F*ck.), a monthly anonymous advice column from Scary Mommy. Here we’ll dissect all your burning questions about motherhood, sex, romance, intimacy, and friendship with the help of our columnist, Penelope, a writer and mental health practitioner in training. She’ll dish out her most sound advice for parents on the delicate dance of raising kids without sacrificing other important relationships. Email her at askpenelope@scarymommy.com.

Dear MWLF,

My partner and I spend Thanksgiving surrounded by family, chaos, and casseroles. By the time we crawl into bed post-holiday weekend, I feel more like his sister than his lover. Why does being overwhelmed around family completely kill our intimacy, and is there a way to get it back before New Year’s?

Dear Overwhelmed,

There is nothing like a holiday with extended family to turn the sexiest couple into two camp counselors supervising meal prep, emotional outbursts, and whatever conflict arises when somebody’s aunt or uncle decides to share their thoughts on the state of the world. You’re not imagining it: nothing shuts down erotic energy faster than slipping back into your childhood role the moment your mother asks where the good napkins are.

Holidays tend to meld us back into the undifferentiated soup of our family of origin’s particular flavor of dysfunction. Everyone unconsciously becomes a slightly younger, slightly needier version of themselves. You might feel like the competent oldest daughter again. He might start behaving like the “good son” who fetches folding chairs. This dynamic is great for making sure dinner gets on the table, but terrible for maintaining the erotic charge between you.

And then there’s the nonstop togetherness — but the wrong kind. You’re surrounded by people all day, but none of the interactions are intimate. They’re logistical: Did you baste the turkey? Who’s carving? I can’t believe we forgot the cranberries. When your nervous system gets overloaded by noise, obligation, and social performance, your libido goes into hibernation mode. It says, “Please, for the love of God, close the door and don’t touch me.”

So what can you do? First, don’t panic. A holiday intimacy dip doesn’t mean the spark is gone. It doesn’t have to mean anything other than…it’s the holidays.

Second, carve out even a tiny moment of adult-only connection. Even just a five-minute walk outside, a shared smile across the table, or touching his lower back in the kitchen can help you shift back into partner mode rather than sibling mode.

Third, debrief the chaos together once you’re alone. It sounds simple, but laughing with your partner about who said what, who drank too much, who passive-aggressively commented on who’s new haircut or who’s new tattoo. Affection grows in the space where you feel like you and your partner are on the same side of the madness. Here’s another metaphor that might be helpful. When you and your partner are hosting the holidays together, or even attending a big family function around the holidays, you’re going to war together. Have a battle plan. Have an emergency rescue plan if one of you wanders too deep into enemy territory. If all else fails, devise a drinking game or make a friendly wager related to how many times your mother-in-law will make a passive-aggressive jab about the clutter in your pantry.

Finally, when you retreat from battle, approach each other with gratitude that you don’t have to fight this war alone. Nothing builds intimacy like gratitude and appreciation.

In short: family temporarily kills intimacy because it drags you both out of your relationship and into old roles you never consciously signed up to reenact. But the spark isn’t gone. It’s just waiting for the house to clear out and for the two of you to remember that — thank god — you’re not related.