I Haven’t Had Sex In A Year & I’m Not Okay

If someone had told me shortly after I had three kids in rapid succession that I could never have sex again, I honestly think I would have been fine with that idea. Like, more than fine. I probably would have said: “Good, because I’m way too tired, my sex drive has dried up, and the thought of a man’s hands on me turns my stomach.”

Back then, I honestly thought that was how I would feel forever. I was destined to be a woman who never thought about sex because I had kids and didn’t desire it as much.

But my sex drive came back after I got divorced. In fact, it came roaring back. I felt free. Being with a new man was sexy and fun. I dated and had some good times, and then I got into a relationship. My sex drive kept roaring. I felt like my old self again: me from before I had kids.

And then, last year, I made a lot of commitments to myself. To fulfill them, I had to give some things up. Dating was one of them. It was really easy at first; I was happy to focus on myself and spend lots of time alone. I didn’t miss the companionship, affection or sex those first few months.

But it’s been over a year now, and I haven’t so much as kissed or touched a man. And honestly, I’m not okay.

It’s not that I’m lonely or even want to be in a relationship, though I’d love to find someone I was genuinely compatible with. But since becoming sexually active, I’ve never gone this long without having sex. Never! I had no idea that I would have so many feelings about it, or that there'd be days when I just wanted to get laid, or that I'd get so irritable sometimes because I was missing it.

Sure, I can get myself off. And I do, often. But, for me, it’s just not the same as being with an actual person. I’ve realized, especially lately, that it’s not so much about having an orgasm as it is connecting with the person you are having sex with. That’s what I miss the most: the closeness, the touching, the pure intimacy of it all.

I don’t want a friend with benefits or to have bad sex just to have sex, although there’s nothing wrong with doing either of those things. If this dry spell continues much longer, I might start entertaining the idea. This last year just seemed so long. I’m surprised at how much I miss having sex, how there are nights when I place pillows behind my back so I can feel like the little spoon. How much I miss being touched.

I’m pretty sure I’ve reached my limit, judging by how much I think about sex and how grumpy I’m getting, and I fantasize about being touched. I just never considered it would get to me this way. I never thought not having sex would matter to me this much. So it’s time for me to stop complaining and do something about it. Wish me luck.

Diana Park is a writer who finds solitude in a good book, the ocean, and eating fast food with her kids.