I Judge Every Man I Date Based On How They Talk About Their Ex-Wife
What’s said — and not said — really does tell a lot.
It happened again: Another date and another man leading with, “My ex-wife is crazy, and I was completely blindsided when she left and she’s so unreasonable.”
You think I’d learn, brace myself even, but the truth is my heart sinks every time I hear this because that one sentence says so much.
Before I explain, let me say, I’m not so naïve as to think, Well, if it didn’t work with the mother of your children, then it won’t work with me.
After all, I am a divorced woman who couldn’t make it work with my ex-husband. But what they are actually saying to me, without even realizing it, is “I did nothing wrong and I have not grown at all. I didn’t treat my wife right and I won’t treat you right. I take no responsibility. I don’t self-reflect and I’m not self aware.”
I will not waiver on this. I’ve given it enough chances, I can assure you. Every time a man says this to me, I quickly see what the problem is. Sometimes it’s that he can’t give up drinking. Sometimes it’s that he gaslights. Sometimes it’s that he wants me to completely fit into his world without putting in an ounce of effort to fit into mine. It needs to be convenient for these men. Easy. They want a woman to be beside them but to also keep her mouth shut. There should be no challenging them or asking for anything. They don’t have the emotional capacity to put in any effort after say, the first month.
I’ve been patient. I’ve asked to have my needs met. I’ve been gentle. I’ve tried to lead with this behavior to see if they can match it and I’ve also completely pulled away and matched their energy.
I’m not the only one who’s gone through this. My single friends can practically match this story. My Instagram feed is full of women, of all ages, who say they are experiencing the same thing. There are men dating influencers now who are trying to coach men out of this exact behavior.
The only thing that’s positive about a man sitting across from me and telling me he “had to block his ex” or that “she just left him and he did nothing” is that it’s fast information for me.
It’s not about trying to land a perfect partner. We all know there’s no such thing.
It’s about finding someone who is self-aware and doesn’t completely blame others. I’m learning that finding what I’m looking for in a man can be found really quickly if I ask them what happened with their ex-wife. Hell, sometimes I don’t even have to. There are some men out there who lead with dragging their ex through the mud.
To be fair, I have had men say things like, “There were two of us in that relationship and I made some mistakes” and “I’ve been to therapy to work on myself.” This tells me they aren’t stuck in their “woe is me” phase and they are actually ready to move forward and see if they can show up differently.
Of course, it would be great if I heard less blaming. And yet, I keep putting myself out there, hoping for the best.It seems like it would be so easy to be accountable for your actions, but I see for most men, it’s just not.
Diana Park is a writer who finds solitude in a good book, the ocean, and eating fast food with her kids.
