If You’re A Friend Who’s Too Busy To Get Together, But Keeps Saying You Want To Hang, Please Stop

It happened again the other day. A friend of mine who keeps reaching out to tell me how busy she is, but would love to get together, sent me the same text she’s been sending for the past six months.

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t getting to me. While I understand life gets in the way, and people get busy, I also know something else: We make time for the things that are important to us. Busy is an excuse. To me, if there’s a will there’s a way.

The two of us used to get together regularly. She was busy then, but she wasn’t too busy. So when I noticed the shift and she could no longer get together when I’d ask to see her, I gave her some space and told her to let me know when she had some time.

Since then, I’ve gotten at least 10 messages about her busy schedule and how sorry she is that she doesn’t have time. And now, it’s not sitting well with me.

I can't help but wonder if something else is going on. Maybe she’s going through something hard in her life and she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it. I have asked her and reminded her I'm always here, and she tells me all is well.

I’ve wondered if I’ve done something and she is no longer interested in having a friendship. Maybe she feels like we’ve grown apart.

The thing is, I have no idea what the real reason is, but her monthly pop-ins letting me know she is so sorry about not having time are getting to me. It feels like her messages are code for, It’s not that important to me. And I’m being reminded over and over. To me, it seems like something else is up and she’s feeling guilty about that.

I certainly wouldn’t keep reminding someone I was too busy for them without any effort to actually get together.

Being on the other end of this hurts. I thought our friendship was deeper than this and that she could be honest with me about how she was feeling. But this? This feels fake and pretty awful.

If you’re busy, fine. But don’t keep saying you want to make plans with someone then keep backing it up with, “Oh, but I’m so busy so I can’t.” It sends mixed messages, confusion, and frustration. It’s much kinder to be honest instead of stringing someone along.

It feels disrespectful to keep saying “soon” while obviously never meaning it. This is keeping someone on hold and keeping their hopes up, which is a shitty thing to do.

Honesty would be so much better. Sure it may sting, or she may just not want to talk about it, but saying that versus stringing the friendship along would be better in the long run. It would be less painful than repeated disappointment.

True friendship, just like every other relationship, takes effort. Even small gestures mean a lot. This is signaling to me that I’m not a priority to her anymore. Reaching out to constantly tell me she doesn’t have time isn’t nurturing the friendship. It’s only highlighting the distance.

If life is too full for me, I understand. But stop reaching out just to remind me there’s no room for me in it.

Diana Park is a writer who finds solitude in a good book, the ocean, and eating fast food with her kids.