Welcome to Ask A MWLTF (Yes, that’s Mother Who Likes to F*ck.), a monthly anonymous advice column from Scary Mommy. Here we’ll dissect all your burning questions about motherhood, sex, romance, intimacy, and friendship with the help of our columnist, Penelope, a writer and mental health practitioner in training. She’ll dish out her most sound advice for parents on the delicate dance of raising kids without sacrificing other important relationships. Email her at askpenelope@scarymommy.com.

Dear MWLF,

My husband masturbates when I’m home and it hurts my feelings. It doesn’t bother him when I do it! What gives?

Warmly,

Curious and Confused

Dear Curious and Confused,

First things first: you’re not crazy for feeling hurt. Whatever you’re feeling is valid and understandable, especially since so many women are socialized to think that if their partner jerks off instead of reaching for them, it must mean they’re not enough. Cue the spiral: Am I unattractive? Is he rejecting me? Is he secretly imagining someone else? None of that feels good. But the truth is, his masturbation probably says a lot less about you—and a lot more about him.

For many men, masturbation is less about “choosing” it over their partner and more about habit, stress release, or even just autopilot. He might have been doing it this way since he was a teenager—quick, private, uncomplicated. In fact, it might not even occur to him that you’d feel excluded, especially since he’s fine when you do it. To him, it’s not a commentary on your desirability; it’s just something he does.

But here’s the tricky part: you still feel hurt. That matters. A marriage isn’t just about managing logistics and mortgages; it’s also about navigating these very human moments where one partner feels left out of the other’s inner world. A healthy relationship is one in which both members approach their partner’s inner-world with curiosity and compassion, not defensiveness or blame.

So instead of framing this as “you shouldn’t do that” (which he’ll likely hear as shaming or controlling), try “when you do that, I feel…” Fill in the blank honestly: lonely, unwanted, left out, sad. The point isn’t to get him to stop masturbating—it’s to help him understand how it lands for you.

Then, open a conversation about what you do want. Would you like him to invite you in sometimes? Would you feel better if he was more affectionate afterward? Is this about sex, or about intimacy more broadly? The goal is to move from hurt and confusion to understanding and choice.

And one last note: your masturbation and his are not automatically the same thing. You may do it to connect with your body, to reset your nervous system, or to explore fantasies. He may do it to fall asleep faster. Both are valid—but they carry different meanings. Instead of tallying who’s allowed to do what, try to get curious together about the meanings and needs underneath.

Bottom line: you’re not wrong to want more closeness, and he’s not wrong for having his own habits. The sweet spot is figuring out how to talk about it without shame—so that instead of feeling left out, you both feel more invited in.

Some thought starters on how to talk about it:

1. Lead with curiosity, not accusation.

Instead of: “Why would you do that when I’m right here?”

Try: “Is that different for you when I’m not around?

Curiosity opens the door; accusation closes it.

2. Use “I feel” language.

Instead of labeling it “wrong” or “gross,” name the feeling: “When you do that, I feel left out” or “I wish I could be invited to the activities.” This keeps the focus on your experience, not on shaming him.

3. Normalize masturbation.

You can say something like: “I know masturbation is totally normal — I do it too. But when it happens in this specific way, while I’m home, it stirs something up in me.” That way you’re not pathologizing the act itself, just naming the impact.

4. Stay playful if you can.

Humor can lighten every conversation. Letting your partner you see that sex, with oneself or with another— can be not only enjoyable but a little silly and hilarious—goes a long way in making it a more approachable subject.