The Way You Text Can Have A Huge Impact On Your Relationship

by Kathy Black
Originally Published: 
A person in a pink hoodie is texting on her phone while lying in bed next to their dog
AllGo/Unsplash and Jonathan Slater/Twitter

As much as I hate to admit this, texting is important to me. I mean, who likes sending a text to someone knowing damn well they are glued to their phone, only to hear back from them in five hours or get a lackluster response?

It hurts, man. It hurts real good.


I’m going to take this opportunity to vent and let you know I am dating someone who isn’t a texter, and it fucking drives me bananas. As in, it’s caused more than a few fights. While I feel a bit ashamed to admit I feel this way, texting literally takes a few seconds and it’s a damn good way to let someone know you are thinking about them. I mean, taking a piss is a bigger process than sending someone a one-liner letting them know you are thinking of them.


My guy is the type who likes to text later in the day when he’s home and settled. And, let’s just say, I am not that type. I want to send pictures of my lunch. I want to hear a “good morning, lover,” and for the love of Pete, there’s nothing that makes me feel more invisible than a short, “have a nice day.”

To me, that means, “Check, got that off the list. Don’t bother me today I’m super busy and too important for you.”

I realize this is possibly because the realtionsip is new, but if this is the way the man plays the texting game, I’m not sure it’s going to work out. I need more communication — not a text every hour, but maybe two throughout the day? Two would be good. Okay, three. I need three.

His response is that he’s “just not a texter” and the amount he texts me isn’t a reflection of how he feels about me.

I say he’s wrong. It feels like a reflection of how he feels about me. Although I consider myself a confident woman who is perfectly happy being single, and I don’t need a constant stream of communication (a few check-ins a day make me feel more connected to my partner I don’t care how long we’ve been together), the lack of texting drives me bat-shit.

But maybe I’m the problem?

Only no I’m not because my morning radio show proved the other day different styles of texting is a thing between couples.


As I was driving my kiddos to school in the morning, the DJ started complaining about the new man she’s seeing. Apparently she sent him a few texts wishing him a lovely day followed up with questions about his life goals and such. This dude wasn’t into answering them, nor did he feel like writing paragraphs through texts. Texting was her way of getting to know him, but he let her know he didn’t have time for that and wanted to save those kinds of conversations for when they saw each other. She took his silence personally.

Her male co-host told her she was being ridiculous and reminded her he probably had a job and other shit to do.

This started an uproar and the calls came in hot with people complaining about how lazy their partners are with texting. Most of the comments were from couples who’d been together longer than two years and were still annoyed by each other’s mismatched texting styles. One woman said her husband of 10 years never answers her texts unless they are about food and it pissed her off all the damn time.

Cue huge sigh of relief. At least I’m not the only one who feels this on a visceral level.

Another couple called in together and said they only text each other if it’s necessary, and they were both comfortable with that arrangement.

Sorry, NOPE. I like to talk to my honey during the day. I need more than a “sweetie, we need toilet paper because I have diarrhea.”

The majority of couples who called in said they send each other texts all throughout the day, but they don’t keep score about who texts first, more, or answers the fastest. Most of these unicorn couples who had a healthy attitude about texting had been married eight years or more, which is telling.

Then there was the guy who said that whenever he sends his girlfriend a text asking if she wants to have dinner at their favorite restaurant, she just shoots back a “yes” and doesn’t expand at all.

Come on! Chime in and chat him up! Tell him you want a steak with a side of 69.

Can I tell you I’m so glad this is a thing and I’m not the only one who can feel like someone is throwing me shade when they don’t share the same text practices I do?

It’s important to consider our attachment styles can be exacerbated by our phones. If you are already someone who needs lots of reassurance, you may look to your phone as a way of constantly checking in on your partner which can be a big turn off. Not to mention it’s super annoying for someone who doesn’t need that kind of communication to feel secure in a relationship.

According to The New York Post, “New research suggests that having the same texting habits as your partner can actually increase your happiness with each other.” The evidence is based on a survey conducted by American Psychological Association Convention after talking with 205 adults in romantic relationships who were asked questions about security level, their texting habits, and how fulfilled they felt in their relationship.

When you step back and think about it, the way you text is just another example of the many differences you can experience in a relationship. You have to work it out between the two of you and try and meet somewhere in the middle. Obviously, if you are someone who loves to text a lot and your partner never knows where the hell their phone is, this could be a problem.

If this is the case, perhaps the solution is to just accept you might only get a ping from your partner if you are out of coffee or they are craving brownies, and you shouldn’t take it too personally. And maybe you should vent to your friend who likes to text as much as you do.

This article was originally published on