What I Wish I’d Known Before I Left My Marriage

It was a mutual decision when my ex and I separated. We parted ways amicably and the actual divorce process was smooth. We have been able to stay friends. It was what we both thought was best and what we both wanted.

I’m telling you this because every single situation is different. There wasn’t a lot of fighting. The relationship wasn’t toxic. We still respected each other, and it wasn’t as though I couldn’t stand the sight of him.

And yet, I was under the illusion that dating would be easy. I was going to meet the most amazing man who just happened to look like Brad Pitt would sweep me off my feet. And you know what’s funnier? I thought there’d be plenty of them to choose from. I was excited to be on my own and didn’t think it would be that hard because I’m a strong, independent woman. I thought, Sure there are a lot of unknowns, but bring it. I can handle it.

And while I don’t think I’d change anything, I wish I’d come out of my marriage a little more prepared for the emotions I’d have because I would’ve been able to deal with them better.

Here’s four things I wish I’d known before I left my marriage.

Old married sex is way better than anxiety-induced early dating sex:

Okay, stay with me here. Sure it can get a little … mundane, maybe even boring. But rolling over after and heading to the bathroom to clean off your unmanicured lady parts, or having a quickie unshowered, or telling your man to go slow because you ate a questionable burrito at lunch is so much better than doing the dance with a man when you’re not sure where things are going. Or feeling like you have to hide your stretch marks and cellulite. Or being afraid of a new lover and telling them they need to aim to the left and slow down.

New feelings and flings can be great. But there is so much anxiety leading up to it, it had me craving the good ol’ days when I knew exactly what to expect and didn’t worry about the way my body looked or if it was going to make weird sounds.

All men are annoying:

All. Of. Them. I’ve put too many men on a pedestal since my divorce. They are all human. They all have weak spots, and they will all do things that will annoy the hell out of you. They are all pretty messy, can be lazy with tending a relationship, and they all have baggage. I never realized how true the statement “The grass is greener where you water it” was until after my divorce. Everyone you date after your ex will annoy you. Maybe not at first, but it will come. So if you think you’re going to meet someone who will never make mistakes and get on your nerves, you’re wrong. They will all end up letting you down in certain ways, so think long and hard about if you’d rather be let down in the ways you already are if you’re married and thinking about divorce, or if you’d prefer some fresh ways. The choice is yours.

Knowing what to expect has its advantages:

When I started dating, I noticed a lot of men sent confusing messages. They weren’t sure about me, or they didn’t know what they wanted, or they were at a weird place in life career-wise. This was a different feeling for me that lit up my nervous system. And not in a good way. The steadiness I had of knowing how things were going to go when I was married was gone. And when your mind feels safe, your body and mind open up, too. Keep in mind it may take you a while to feel that.

It might take a while to get used to not having a partner:

There’s a lot of noise out there about how amazing being single is. And it can be. But keep in mind it’s a change. And changes take time to get used to. At first the freedom and space might be amazing. The chance to make changes without compromise can be freeing. But if you’ve been married for a long time, that high doesn’t always last.

The reality of being solo hits in waves. And sometimes when you least expect it. You might have stretches of feeling independent and strong, and dips of feeling lonely and the absence of telling someone about your day might hit hard even if your marriage wasn’t right for you.

Divorce is never easy, but moving through it with open eyes will help. There will be hard parts, but being hit with things you didn’t expect makes it even harder. When you know what to expect it can make the ride a little less rocky.

Diana Park is a writer who finds solitude in a good book, the ocean, and eating fast food with her kids.