What Happens To A Marriage When One Person Grows... & The Other Doesn’t?

Someone once told me that you change the most as a person between the ages of 18 and 24. And looking back on those years, sure, I think it's fair to say our personalities do come more into focus as we graduate high school and head off into the world. If you were to ask me, though, I'd say we undergo the most growth as people in our 30s — a time when many of us are either married or in committed relationships and starting our families. (For the record, at least one study published by the American Psychological Association points that way, too.)

And we can all agree that growth is good, right? It's kind of the whole point: evolving and becoming better as we collect the knowledge that comes with life experience. But, for those of us who are married, what happens when you realize you're growing while your partner is just… not? You would think that growing as a person would automatically make your relationship stronger, that the more self-aware you become, the more your relationship will flourish. Only when you're truly coming into your own and your partner is stuck, it's hard not to wonder if maybe you've actually outgrown your relationship.

Experts say it's more common than we think, and it doesn't always mean the end. It does mean something has to shift. So, what do you do when you feel like you're outgrowing your marriage — but you're not ready to give up on it? We asked therapists, relationship experts, and yes, even divorce attorneys for their honest advice. Here's what they said.

Why does this happen?

The reality is that identity shifts are inevitable. Over time, our thoughts and feelings and beliefs will ebb and flow, influenced by everything from our friends and family to pop culture. If you’re in a long-term relationship, you’ll still go through these life transitions all the same. However, identity shifts are not always simultaneous, and that’s where things can get muddled.

“It's completely normal to feel like your partner or even you have grown into different versions of yourself over time,” says licensed clinical social worker Alyssa Petersel, founder of MyWellbeing. “Relationships, like individuals, evolve. We grow through life phases, career changes, family dynamics, grief, joy, and challenges. Stressors like parenting, financial pressure, illness, or trauma can impact the pace and depth of change, as well. Sometimes, what once bonded us — shared goals, routines, or roles — no longer align as those aspects shift.”

This misalignment can definitely make you feel like you’re no longer on the same page, which can further exacerbate feelings of loneliness or tension.

“It's completely normal to feel like your partner or even you have grown into different versions of yourself over time. Relationships, like individuals, evolve.”

Explains Licensed Professional Counselor Sarah Thompson, founder of Sarah J. Thompson Therapy & Wellness, “It’s so common in long-term relationships: one person starts evolving — maybe through therapy, a new career phase, or just deep personal reflection — while the other seems to stay in the same emotional or mental space. This dynamic can bring up a lot of pain, frustration, and even guilt. The growing partner might feel held back or lonely, while the ‘stuck’ partner might feel judged, abandoned, or insecure about the changes happening.”

Thompson points out that this allows emotional distance to creep in and resentments to build, “and suddenly, you’re speaking different languages.”

The truth is that although growth often begins as an individual journey, it can inadvertently become an isolating one.

Can you grow in different directions and still stay together?

Fortunately, experts say this uneven dynamic doesn’t necessarily spell doom.

“This doesn’t have to mean the end. Relationships can survive and even thrive through these shifts, but it takes both people being willing to look honestly at what’s happening and decide how to move forward together,” says Thompson.

Renee Bauer, a divorce attorney at Happen Even After Family Law, agrees that partners can move forward together if both partners put in the work.

“In some cases, couples can grow together. They hit pause, get curious about each other again, and realign. But that only works when both people are willing to do the work,” she emphasizes. “When one person resists change because it threatens their comfort zone, it breeds frustration, resentment, and loneliness. And those feelings, left unaddressed, are what really unravel a marriage — not the change itself.”

Thompson also notes that it’s important to keep in mind that growth doesn’t have to look the same for both of you. “Maybe one person is diving into self-discovery while the other is content in their routine. What matters is whether you can still find shared meaning, values, or emotional intimacy that keeps you bonded. Small steps, like trying a new activity together or reading a book as a couple, can help the ‘stuck’ partner explore change at their own pace.”

How do you grow together after a disconnect like this?

You know what they say: Communication is key. “If one partner begins to grow and change and the other does not, keeping the conversation open and honest can help guide both partners to stay connected,” says Emma Hathorn, dating expert at Seeking.com. “Sharing your experience and encouraging your partner to express their own eliminates misunderstandings.”

Thompson says a helpful component of communication in this situation can be looking at it from a different perspective.

“The key isn’t about who’s ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ but whether you can still meet each other with curiosity and compassion. Instead of framing it as, ‘You’re not growing,’ try approaching it with, ‘I’ve been feeling some shifts in myself, and I’d love to understand how you’re experiencing things,’” she suggests. “This keeps blame out of the conversation and opens the door for real connection.”

“Personal growth can and should occur at every stage of our lives ... It’s a natural, healthy process that should be embraced and ultimately encouraged, especially by your partner.”

Pulling your partner into the conversation can facilitate growth for both of you. Says Thompson, “A question I love is, ‘What do you think has changed about me lately?’ It gives your partner a chance to reflect and be part of your journey, rather than feeling left behind.”

Another way to pull your partner into the picture more is to rekindle connection through small, intentional actions. “Rebuild shared rituals: date nights, check-in conversations, or even cooking together. Be open about your desire to reconnect. Sometimes, just naming that you miss your partner can spark a meaningful moment,” says Petersel.

When is it time to have the tough conversations?

Of course, sometimes people truly do grow apart, and that’s OK too.

“Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the gap feels too wide. If your growth is consistently met with resistance or resentment, if you no longer feel emotionally safe or connected, or if your core values have fundamentally diverged, it might be time to reassess,” says Thompson.

And that’s tough! No one wants to feel like they went into a marriage thinking it would be forever, only to call it quits. It happens, though, and sometimes it’s simply the healthiest thing.

Reassures Thompson, “Walking away doesn’t mean you failed; sometimes, it’s the most loving choice for both people. And if you're feeling overwhelmed by the decision — unsure whether to stay and work on it or move on — that's exactly when a skilled therapist can help you sort through the emotional clutter and find clarity.”

Remember: Growth isn’t the villain here. In fact, growth is normal and good and should be celebrated. “Personal growth can and should occur at every stage of our lives,” says Thompson. “It’s a natural, healthy process that should be embraced and ultimately encouraged, especially by your partner.”

Petersel wholeheartedly agrees. “We can and should celebrate that we are learning and growing in unique ways,” she says.

So, whether you move forward together or separately, your growth is valid, and it can be the beginning of something even more aligned. Says Hathorn, “Navigating growth within a relationship requires empathy, communication, and, at times, a difficult decision. By addressing these concerns as they arise and remaining authentic in yourself and your relationship, you can create a space where growth is not only accepted but encouraged.”