What Is "Birdnesting" In Divorce?
The cutesy term sounds like a perfect solution, but is it?
No matter what your divorce or co-parenting situation looks like, for most parents, keeping the kids happy and stable is always a priority. But that priority can impact everyone’s relationships differently, with some parents having to decide that communicating through an app or a third party is what’s best for their kids, while others may find that they can be around their ex most of the time without issue. It’s all about flexibility, and that’s why a lot of co-parenting families have found some relief in “birdnesting” through their divorce. It’s a cutesy term, but it can be harder than you think to pull off — and isn’t always the best option for everyone.
Much like how birds actually nest (hence the name), “birdnesting” in divorce is when the kids stay in one home (their “nest”), and the parents are the ones who travel back and forth to care for them in the home. No shuffling kids every weekend, no worries about a child taking specific clothes or sports uniforms or shoes in their bag, no kid travel with pick-up and drop-off deadlines... just the parents moving their lives around so their kids can have one stable environment.
This kind of situation often means keeping the marital home — the home their kids know as “home” — as the nest, and each parent has their own separate home or apartment they can travel to and live in when it’s not their week.
It sounds idyllic, right? And in a world where everyone wants their kids to be happy and stable despite a divorce in the family, it sounds like a no-brainer. But there’s a lot to consider in birdnesting. It’s an especially privileged choice: Paying for one home to run as your kid’s primary residence and then having to pay for your own separate living space is a lot. And sharing a living space with an ex-partner, even if you’re not in it together, has the potential to cause some strife.
There’s still that whole division of labor thing to think about — whose turn is it to clean the bathroom, why didn’t you do the laundry when you were here last week, why is the kitchen a mess, etc. — not to mention what happens if you or your ex start dating someone new. Are these new partners welcome in this shared space? Will you and your ex host holidays together for your kids in this home? Will you be allowed to make this space your own and feel comfortable in it if you’re sharing it with your ex?
There has to be a lot of talking before birdnesting can work. Pro Legal Care LLC, an organization that offers legal resources and advice, shared that you have to really establish some boundaries and ground rules in order for a situation like this to work. “Sharing the responsibility of maintaining the family home and caring for the children is a key aspect of family nesting. Parents must work together in order to maintain the same house and provide care for the children, while also ensuring that each parent has the opportunity to spend quality time with the children and provide them with support,” the website noted.
If this is a co-parenting situation that sounds promising to you, it’s worth sitting down with your ex and maybe even a third party — like a counselor or mediator — to establish some rules and make sure it works for both of you and your kids. Of course you want your kids to be happy and stable, but if this birdnesting situation makes you or your ex miserable, it’s really not worth it.
