What NOT To Say When Your Friend Is Diagnosed With Breast Cancer — & What To Say Instead

It was late February, and I was driving home from a routine mammogram when I got the call that every woman dreads. They saw something on the scan and wanted me to come back in for more tests. Twenty-four hours later, my life began to unravel — I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I know I am not alone in this experience. I’ve got multiple friends who are survivors. The American Cancer Society estimates that around 316,950 new cases of invasive breast cancer and 59,080 cases of ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) will be diagnosed in 2025 alone. So the grim odds are that someone you know and love will be diagnosed with breast cancer. It could be you.

Cancer is a big, scary word, and the treatment process is daunting. It’s also extremely personal and different for every person. The type of cancer, the size of the cancer, family history, age, and other factors are all taken into consideration as your team of doctors (yep, you get a bunch of them) help to determine what is going to give you the best chance of survival.

I am not the same person I was six months ago. My life does not look or feel the same. My body and mind are permanently altered. I tell you this only to say I am giving my informed opinion as someone who has very recently gone through the shock of a diagnosis and all that entails. But it really is just my opinion. Everyone is different. Some people are more gracious than me.

Most people in my life have met me with incredible love and compassion and have shown up for me in big and little ways throughout the process. But I also recognize that most people don’t know what to say in awkward situations, and a life-threatening disease is definitely awkward.

So, here are a few things you can leave out of your mouth when talking to your newly diagnosed friend.

What Not to Say

1. “I wonder what caused it.”

This is the single most frustrating thing to hear. It’s freaking cancer. Everything causes it! What people likely mean when they say this is, “What can I do to avoid it myself?” But as the person with cancer, it’s the equivalent of victim shaming, like asking what a woman was wearing when she’s assaulted. It makes you feel like it’s your fault.

2. “Just cut them off.”

Yep. That’s right. I’ve heard a couple of versions of this myself, but someone said these exact words to my close friend when she was diagnosed: “Just cut them off; you don’t need them anymore since you aren’t nursing.” I’m not even going to try to explain how horrific a thing this is to say.

3. Offering herbal or alternative treatments.

“My mother’s best friend went to this salt therapy place…” I am a practicing witch and about as woo-woo as they come, but I can tell you right now I am not trusting my life to a slab of Himalayan sea salt. Trust that the cancer patient is overwhelmed but resplendent with information, and that they and their team of doctors will create a detailed treatment plan.

4. “Boobs are overrated!”

I think the person who said this was trying to be funny. And while, yeah, sure, society puts a ton of emphasis on women’s bodies and breast size specifically, when facing the possibility of having them removed or at the very least permanently altered, it’s really not funny to be flip about their significance. They aren’t overrated. They are beautiful and part of us. And it’s very painful to let them go.

5. “You have to watch [insert show/movie/book/podcast about someone with cancer].”

A cancer diagnosis is surreal, frightening, and confusing. And while some of us are hungry to be informed or armed with medical info, the truth is that there are so many variables in diagnosis, it’s hard not to slip down a rabbit hole of worry. That’s why you want to watch or read or listen to books/movies/podcasts/shows that have NOTHING to do with cancer. Please don’t recommend them to me. I don’t care. I am living it.

6. “Don’t worry, you look cute with short hair.”

First of all, not everyone has to go through chemotherapy, which is the treatment that often makes your hair fall out. Radiation doesn’t typically cause this. And when you’re first diagnosed, you actually don’t know what your treatment plan will be until they do a bunch more tests. So planting the seed in someone’s mind that they are going to lose their hair before they even know what’s ahead of them is not a great idea. Yes, it might happen. And yes, you may have to endure it. But you likely won’t know for weeks what your plan will be.

7. Nothing.

The worst thing you can say is nothing at all. Seriously. You’re better off putting your foot in your mouth than ignoring the whole thing. There were a few people who surprised me by not reaching out or saying a single comforting thing. Let me tell you: When you get diagnosed, you are scared. When you are scared, you need people to tell you it’s going to be alright — even if no one knows if it’s going to be.

There are so many little ways you can help. Even simple things like sending a card or a text to say hello and thinking of you can shake you out of your daily brooding. Here’s what to say or do when your friend is diagnosed.

What You Can Say Instead

1. Share survivor stories.

I love hearing survivor stories. In a writing group I run, one woman raised her hand and said, “I am a 25-year breast cancer survivor.” She looked me dead in the eye when she said it, and it made me feel so grounded and safe.

2. “Can I drive you?”

Radiation and chemotherapy can be exhausting. Driving someone to and from their appointment can be incredibly helpful, even just for the company. Most people don’t realize this, but you have to get radiation five days a week for however many weeks they prescribe it to you. Toward the end, you get very tired. Having a driver, especially one who just plays good music and gives you a bubbly water, is a great thing indeed.

3. “Can I bring you some snacks?”

Yes, you can definitely bring me snacks, and frankly, I appreciated a bottle of wine or three. But please don’t overwhelm me with trying to coordinate when and where and what I want. Take your best guess and drop it on my door. But also…

4. “Let’s go out/I’m coming over.”

Sometimes being treated like you aren’t sick is the best medicine. While everyone is different, and at different stages of treatment you feel more exhausted than others, you can never go wrong with a good friend distracting you. The last week of my radiation treatments was the most difficult, and my best friend flew across the country and hung out with me the entire time. She napped when I napped, made me go out for cocktails and trivia, and generally kept my spirits high. I cried when she left.

5. “Thought of you…”

Followed by a hilarious meme. Avoid cancer-related ones. But ones about the overwhelming hilarity of life, or just ridiculous cats, or even inspirational quotes, those are great. This is easy to text, or DM, and I can tell you it brought me a great deal of joy to be distracted by the charming mayhem of the internet.

6. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Every single person who goes through breast cancer treatment experiences shock and trauma, but not two people are alike, and their prognosis and treatment plan will be very specific to them. For me, the more I talked about it, the less overwhelming it felt. It helped me realize that I knew what the doctors had been telling me, and that I understood the process. Asking your friend if they want to share the latest update, or volunteering to relay information on their behalf (with their blessing) can help. However, not everyone is the same. Some people prefer to keep it private.

7. “How can I support you?”

This was a profound question the first time my friend asked me this. I didn’t know the answer. But after some thought, I was able to articulate what kind of support I needed. With him, it was sharing ridiculous stories (like how I went into the cancer center and ALL the magazines were cancer magazines — not a People or Real Simple to be found!). He listened a lot and made me laugh. With others, it was sending silly memes. And with others, I could express how angry I was or cry.

Overall, people meeting me where I was at without judgment was invaluable.