A Mom Makes Argument That Too Much Compromise In Marriage Is A Bad Thing
“It means that both of you are accepting some sort of half version of life.”
Deciding to tie your life to another person is no small thing. And so marriage isn’t always easy... but it also shouldn’t always be hard. There should be an equilibrium where all partners feel like the work they’re putting into their relationship is at least as powerful as the joy and partnership they’re getting out of it.
Prevailing wisdom often encourages compromise, but social media personality Jaime Fisher who, along with her husband Josh seek to “dismantle patriarchy within long-term relationships” disagrees: “I actually don’t believe you should get into a long-term relationship where you’re going to have to compromise a lot,” she said in a recent video on Instagram. “Compromise just means neither person really gets to live into their values, goals, or dreams. It means that both of you are accepting some sort of half version of life.”
We’re intrigued...
“I think you should seek to be in relationships with people who you mostly overlap [with] on the strongest area of values,” she continues. “Or both of you are healthy enough to live into your own values autonomously while the other person does something different and you’re not threatened or intimidated by having the type of relationship where people kind of operate separately ... There are some people having really beautiful lives: really wonderful marriages or relationships that have a lot of separation.”
She notes meeting one very lovely couple in their late-50s while on vacation. They’d gotten married later in life and, rather than uproot themselves (and children from a previous relationship) from their thoroughly established homes and routines, they just decided not to live together. So they just visit one another’s homes to the happiness of all involved.
“There’s a lot of ways to see companionship in life, but I don’t think compromise should be one of them. Truly,” she concludes. “And [compromise] is something a lot of people will preach ... no. A good relationship doesn’t involve a lot of compromise. Something has gone wrong. You’re with a person who is too far out of alignment with who you are if compromise is something that has to continually be a part of the relationship.”
The message resonated with commenters, for better and for worse.
“Compromise on pizza toppings. Having to compromise on values, morals, or ethics is demoralizing,” one agreed.
“I’ve recently been exploring the ‘compromise’ portion of my marriage and I am indeed coming to the realization that the bulk of ‘compromises’ have been done by me,” laments another. “Which isn’t compromising, it’s letting go of all my values to appease my partner and keep the peace. Which is pretty freaking sh*tty way to be spending over a decade of my life.”
“My husband hates to travel and honestly gets too stressed to enjoy it,” says a third. “It’s such a big part of my life and I love it so I take many trips without him because he knows it fulfills me. People who clearly don’t know us well have thought we got divorced. Posting this from Aruba!”
(Side-bar: Go live your best life, bestie.)
Another helpful comment came from a couples therapist, who added a bit of nuance to the discussion.
“As a couples therapist I talk way more often about negotiation than I do compromise,” she shares. “You have to learn how to negotiate ways to live with your differences so you don’t actively harm or stifle each other. Most couples I work with are seriously lacking in their negotiation skills and their ability to sit in their own discomfort.”
It’s not that there can be no discussion, change of plan, or shifting of priorities in a marriage — that would be unrealistic and untenable. But if you and/or your partner constantly find yourselves in a position of wheedling and capitulating, maybe it’s time to start compromising and start sitting down and having more fundamental discussions about the things that are important to you and how you can both get what you want.
