6 Ways Your Marriage Will Change For The Better After Your First Child

I always thought marriage was a tricky beast, so I avoided it. My husband and I dated for years before we took the nuptial plunge in our thirties. Although I had seen a number of happy couples land in divorce court, I was still optimistic that ours would last. We just had to never fight and not have kids, right?

And then we got knocked up. It turns out that along with the never sleeping thing, the crazy late for everything thing, the never showering thing, and all the other exhausting things, there were some fabulous hidden perks to our marriage now that we had a baby on board.

Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying a baby will save a marriage. But if you already have a solid partnership going on, then adding a baby to the mix might change your marriage for the better in these six spectacular ways.

1. Mad Respect For The Female Form

I can’t do pull-ups, so what? I can grow a human being and push it out of my hoo-ha, bitches. That takes some serious GI Jane strength right there. Not only does the female form posses the remarkable capacity to bring forth life, but also it brings forth huge boobs.

2. United Front

When you take your child out into the world for doctors’ trips, grocery shopping, or visiting the in-laws, it will sometimes feel like you guys are superheroes protecting the world’s last drop of fresh water. Everything will revolve around this kid, putting you guys in a synced mind space that is a mix of WTF, OMG, and Please Send Help.

[recirculation]

3. New Perspective On Old Spats

No one is going to care anymore about stupid things like who left the wet towels on the floor. And if one of you does care, you’ll be so exhausted by lack of sleep and grouchy from lack of sex that arguments will now cover fun topics like Don’t Wake The Baby, You’re Doing It Wrong, and the ultimate argument starter: My Mother Does It Like This.

4. Parenthood Is Damn Sexy

I don’t care what anyone says; seeing your partner holding your first newborn is damn sexy. Forget Magic Mike. Forget 50 Shades of who cares. This is a kind of sexy that Hollywood cannot manufacture. Watching your partner being all protective and loving over a small child that you produced together will make your ovaries explode.

5. You Get To Experience The Glory That Is Date Night

Date Night gets a super bad rep in the parenting world as being something of a fraud because you get all excited to go out and get laid but then you fall asleep on the couch. True. That will probably happen. But it will be so awesome because you get to sleep! With your spouse! For at least a little while! YAY!

6. Sex Gets 1000 Times Better (at least in theory)

You know why sex gets better? Because you have almost no time to do it and so you get really efficient and therefore have no time to deal with body hang-ups or who gets their jolly first. You both just go for sweaty, endorphin rush gold. Your muffin top will be the last thing on your mind. Believe me.

Between the diaper changes and nap schedules, a first baby can add a fabulous spark of magic to your life and marriage. You get to turn into neurotic, sleep-deprived, terrified versions of your former selves. And it’s totally awesome.