1. The food in the bottom of the highchair seat is called “appetizers”.
2. The hardened French fries in the car seat are baby toys. You’ve heard of the “don’t text and drive campaign.” This is part of the “don’t rummage through your purse for baby snacks/entertainment and drive” movement. It’s about safety.
3. The underwear in my son’s pant leg was actually strategically placed there in case he has an accident at school.
4. Old bottles of milk under the couch are part of an experiment. We are trying new recipes to make our own butter and cheeses! I would imagine you need a cool, dark place to accomplish this.
5. They aren’t “fighting.” They are exploring the limitlessness of brotherhood in a physical way.
6. I don’t lock the bathroom door to get away from my children. Heavens, no! I lock it so I can hear them pounding on the door while I’m in there so I know where they are and that they are safe.
7. The hairpins, thumbtacks and batteries are in the couch cushions because, obviously, this is the last place the kids look. I suppose you keep those types of objects in high places? Well, my kids hurt themselves falling off of chairs trying to reach dangerous objects in high places.
8. Baby locks? We don’t use baby locks on cabinets anymore. They use those as weapons.
9. Of course I’m a little tired. We have a strict “only one person allowed to sleep at a time” rule in this household, and the kids (and husband) get dibs.
10. I leave clean laundry in a pile on the floor for at least 24 hours because I read somewhere that this allows the fabric to breathe. You’ve heard of sitting a bottle of wine uncorked on the counter, or letting meat rest after cooking? Same thing.
11. Yes, sometimes I have been known to let the baby eat off the floor. It builds up his immunity and does wonders for his skin, hair and nails.
12. My son is out in public with only one shoe because it part of this really cool game called the “Lose one shoe while out on various errands, then go back over all the places you’ve already been to find said shoe” scavenger hunt. This game is really fun if you have a good sense of humor and are not prone to violent outbursts.
13. That is not soap scum on my shower door. It is a homemade “faux frosted” glass décor.
14. Mint-flavored, sugar-free candy is in fact not bad for their teeth, and it soothes minor tummy discomfort while freshening breath.
15. You call it bribery. I call it positive reinforcement behavior training.
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