#MilkStain, #PukeHair, And Other Hashtags That Would Exist If Moms Were Trendsetters

Ladies, did you think we were done dissecting our bodies for the presence of certain quirks invented by the internet? We’ve been through the thigh gap and the bikini bridge and now, we are now being asked if we have yet another random body feature we have no control over. Brace yourselves, this one’s a doozy. It’s called the thighbrow and it’s taking social media by storm. Honestly, I can’t even. Who has time to sit around and think about this nonsense? Oh, yeah. The Kardashians.

#Thighbrow can be linked back to Elle, who put out a slideshow of seven images with a headline asking the most important question of our time: “Are Thighbrows the New Thighgap?” and oh sweet Jesus, why is this a thing? Is this life? Can we just stop with finding more reasons to pick at women’s bodies and decide who’s trending and who’s not because of how their fat is distributed? Sorry, I should probably explain what this even is before my rant continues. Real quick, go find a Jane Fonda-style 1980’s super-highcut bathing suit or leotard. Can’t find one? Whatever, go nude or wear a thong. Now, sit on your knees and lean forward slightly. If you have the thighbrow, it should look something like this:

Does the flesh at the tops of your thighs make sexy, winking, eyebrows a la the Kardashian sisters? God, who even cares. Mine look like thigh fat because that’s what it is. As moms, we do not have time for this shit and we doubt most of you’ve even noticed this “trend.” However, there are some “mom bod” hashtags we should get trending because our eyebrows may not be #onfleek, but our chin hair #needsplucking:

#Fupa– So many of us suffer from this common post-birth phenomenon. The Fat Upper Pussy Area. Can we please get this trending so I can stop self-consciously gazing at my bikni’d self wondering if anyone is judging my post-motherhood, fatter vagina? Fupas unite!

#PoopNail– All you moms changing diapers and not noticing you got a little something under your fingernail? Have we got the hashtag for you. Wear that #poopnail with pride until you notice it later and promptly, set your hand on fire. Because for the love of God, it’s another person’s POOP.

#PukeHair– Your baby has reflux and since you can’t take 14 showers every day (let’s face it, if you manage to take ONE it’s a banner day) let’s all embrace the crusty, dried-on puke in our hair. It’s up to us to make #pukehair a thing, you guys. Maybe if we take a photo of a #pukehair mom model sunning her #pukehair on a yacht it would gain more traction on social media.

#MilkStain– Whether you have a baby on breastmilk or formula, chances are, you go out in public with milk on you from time to time. Or, all the time. I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, here. Let’s make it cool to have milk on your shirt. It’s going to be there anyway, may as well be a thing.

#FancyLeggings– Awwww, yesss. Your big night out with your husband, away from the kids. But you’re still not back to pre-baby weight and fuck pants with buttons, so #fancyleggings it is. With a blousy top draping over the waistband, they almost look like real pants! You are the fleekiest of the fleek.

#YesterdaysEyeliner– I can’t be the only one sporting this trend every now and again. Didn’t wash your face before passing out cold last night? Have an appointment with the baby’s hot pediatrician today? Only #yesterdayseyeliner will do. It’s a time-saver, an eye-liner saver and let’s face it — you have no choice anyway because you woke up too late to shower since of course, TODAY is the morning the baby finally didn’t wake you at 5am. God dammit all to hell.

So, there you have it. We may never be sporting the latest (totally ridiculous) Instagram body hashtag trend, but we keep up in our own way. And sorry, ours are way more fun.