55+ Mitch Hedberg Quotes For Lovers Of Cynical Humor

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
mitch hedberg quotes
Cy Cyr/Getty

Every comedian has their own style of comedy. And while celebrated comedians like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Joan Rivers, Betty White, Chris Rock, and so many others are pop culture icons, there’s one name that is often left off the list of greats. Whether you have heard of Mitch Hedberg or not, this ’90s comedian had a massive influence on comedy as a whole. Known for his absurd one-liners, observational comedy, and cynical humor, Hedberg delivered his trademark lines in a deadpan expression and sunglasses on the stage. The schtick worked and his comedy was objectively hilarious.

This is why Hedberg’s untimely death from a drug overdose at age 37 is especially tragic. For new and old fans alike, we have gone ahead and rounded up the absolute best one-liners from Hedberg that will have you laughing out loud at your computer or phone.

Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes and Jokes

  1. “Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”
  2. “I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil — and the devil was dill.”
  3. “A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
  4. “It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, hey this song is funky…”
  5. “I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.”
  6. “That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It’s cool, he’s with me.”
  7. “I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.”
  8. “Dogs are forever in the push up postion.”
  9. “I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?”
  10. “I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.”
  11. “I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.”
  12. “When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.”
  13. “You can’t please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.”
  14. “I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for ME.”
  15. “I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”
  16. “Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
  17. “A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
  18. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
  19. “My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.”
  20. “I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”
  21. “My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one is the real hero?”
  22. “I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.”
  23. “This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.”
  24. “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”
  25. “All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”
  26. “I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.”
  27. “Why are there no during pictures.”
  28. “If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.”
  29. “I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”
  30. “If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed up.”
  31. “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”
  32. “I want to get a vending machine, with fun-sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.”
  33. “An escalator can never break: It can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'”
  34. “Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know, because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. ‘Look what I got… This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick somethin’ up.'”
  35. “Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.”
  36. “Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.'”
  37. “Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.”
  38. “So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.”
  39. “Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.”
  40. “Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”
  41. “I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.”
  42. “I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
  43. “I like to close my eyes on the stage, because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.”
  44. “People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”
  45. “I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
  46. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
  47. “I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say, man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide…”
  48. “I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”
  49. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”
  50. “You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”
  51. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
  52. “I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.”
  53. “I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move; you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
  54. “My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress. She just never gets called to the set.”
  55. “This one commercial said, ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers.’ So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn’t know what they were!”
  56. “I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.”
  57. “What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.”
  58. “Last week, I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.”

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