You’ve probably heard this before, but making mom friends is eerily similar to picking up guys.
I’ll strike up a conversation. If we have a connection, I’ll try to casually exchange information. Sometimes I’ll hear from them, sometimes I won’t.
If it works out, we end up going out on a few (play)dates. Sometimes I think the (play)date went well but never hear from them again. Sometimes I’m the one who takes the passive-aggressive opt out and doesn’t text back.
But here’s the thing: I’m 32 years old. I’m married with two small kids. I don’t have the time or the patience for “dating.” Over time, I’ve learned what I want and what I don’t want. I’m probably way too picky. But I’m not sorry about it. Especially when it comes to the following deal breakers:
1. Your kid is mean to my kid.
Look, kids all act like jerks sometimes. We’ve had hitting and biting incidents, just like anyone else. Everyone makes mistakes. I’m talking about kids that are always aggressive or rude to my toddler. The worst is when the kids (and some parents) are completely unapologetic about it. I won’t let my daughter hang out with perma-jerks because I want her to know she is worthy of respect. Also, seeing as how every fiber of my being wants to protect my children, it’s important for me to pull the plug before I feel the need to drop-kick your kid.
2. You’re mean to your kid.
It makes me so uncomfortable to watch a parent be mean to their kid. In my book this includes talking down to your kid, constantly yelling at them, playing tricks on them, disciplining them in front of others, and/or cruel teasing. Yes, we all reach a boiling point and yell sometimes, but then we come back from the brink and try to make amends. Call me nutty, but I think kids should always feel safe and supported. In instances like these, it’s important that I bow out so I don’t feel the need to drop-kick you.
3. You reward your kid’s tantrums.
Here’s how this breaks down: My kid sees your kid getting consistently rewarded for acting like an asshole. When we get home, she starts acting like an asshole because she saw it work for your kid and thinks it will work for her too. Then I start acting like an asshole because my kid is constantly whining/screaming/throwing herself on the floor. Then we’re all stuck in a downhill-asshole spiral for the next few days. Then when things finally calm down, we meet for another playdate, and the cycle starts all over again.
4. You think sugar is the devil, and preach accordingly.
I’m all for trying to make healthy-ish choices, but I still love cookies and cupcakes and all things chocolate. And yes, I will occasionally feed my kids things like sweets, chips, and McDonald’s (gasp!). As long as you do your thing, I’ll do mine. But just know that if you’re the kind of person who is always talking about gluten, refined sugars, food dyes, preservatives, and clean eating, no one is going to want to hang out with you.
5. You’re always trying to sell me stuff.
I empathize with you, I really do. It sucks to try to support a family on one income. You know how I know? Because we’re making some drastic budget cuts on this end too. And in the rare case that we do have some extra money (tax refund, someone sells a kidney on the black market, etc.) then we’re going to use it on a babysitter and booze, not that shakeology crap or whatever it is you’re selling on Etsy.
6. You’re constantly on your phone.
Technology has murdered our ability to socialize normally. To be clear, I am the last person to care about any kind of etiquette. But if you’re texting/facebooking/tweeting/instagramming/etc. while I’m trying to have a conversation with you, our relationship is doomed. Because that shit is rude.
7. You’re a Debbie Downer.
Parenting sucks sometimes. OK, a lot of the time. I think it’s important to have friends you can vent to. But some people are always the victim. Some people have a problem for every solution and a complaint for everything else. AIN’T NOBODY GOT PATIENCE FOR THAT. Our time together should be fun, not draining. I’m all for bitching sometimes (that’s really all this post is), but there has to be a balance.
The fact is, I don’t care what you feed your kids, whether you send them to daycare, what your vaccination schedule looks like, whether you attachment parent or let your kids “cry it out” – I really don’t. It’s just that I literally don’t have the time or energy for relationships that are stressful to maintain. Friendship is a fantastic thing, but if a relationship makes life feel harder instead of easier, then it’s not friendship. And that’s a deal breaker.
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