Moms, Unless Diarrhea Is Your Love Language, Just Say No To The 'Cleanse'

Hey Mamas,

Listen, I know we all just gave it our best shot to try to stick to some type of normalcy when it comes to eating during the holidays, but listen to me: Can we please just say no to the cleanse?

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Humans are meant to eat food, and for fuck’s sake, juicing kale and lemons, then slurping it down for five days straight does not count as eating food. Believe me, I know. The last time I tried something like this, the dog biscuits at the gas station checkout looked good. And when you are on the brink of eating a damn dog biscuit, something deep inside of you is not right.

We are raising humans, and as such, we are responsible for preparing most of their food. We are also the ones who roam the aisles of the grocery store while smelling the rotisserie chickens and baked goods. We make the shopping lists, and rack our brains and Pinterest boards trying to come up with new and exciting ways to get our kids to eat a well-balanced diet.

You think you get aroused by food now? Try going on a cleanse. I guarantee by day two you just may want to make out with that corn dog on a stick your child is flaying around at the dinner table as you stare into your mangled kale concoction. Your dreams will consist of eating cheeseburgers. You will fantasize about double-fisting slabs of chocolate cake in your hands as your devour it over the kitchen sink. You will think about nothing else, and once you start to have that self-deprivation relationship with food, it is hard to come out of it. Every time you see a bag of chips (for the rest of your life), you will kind of want to get into them.

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The claims that doing a cleanse will give you more energy, make your skin glow, and help you lose weight are right. And by that I mean you will have energy to feel like you want to kill people whenever the subject of food comes up, your skin will be glowing red from yelling at anyone who decides to eat in front of you, and sure you will lose weight, because you will be pissing out of your ass for three days straight, but then you will be angry as fuck when you put it back on the second you chomp down on a carrot stick. Or corn dog.

We don’t need another excuse to have a short temper, feel like we are going to pass out every time we stand up, and lose our shit more than we already do. I mean, don’t we have these experiences while eating a normal diet? Why intensify them? Life as a mom is hard enough without throwing self-induced starvation into the mix.

Our bodies are meant to grow humans, feed them, chase after them, and raise them with a mind that is somewhat clear. They are not meant to lose 30 pounds in a week. And we have way too much to do to be glued to the toilet. So, just stop. We are wired to eat our kids’ leftover crusts from goopy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. We are experts at nibbling while making dinner as we sip wine or a beer because we have earned it, dammit. Who the hell is going to test the macaroni and cheese to make sure it’s not too hot if we don’t? If you take that away from yourself (even for a week), you are going to be pissed.

Women enjoying food is a classic love story that doesn’t need to be rewritten. It doesn’t matter if you are gluten free, dairy free, vegan, paleo, only eat sugar on Saturdays, or put whatever the hell you want in your mouth every day and don’t give a flying fuck. Just say no to the cleanse. Don’t feel pressured. It’s not a good idea. Food belongs in our mouth, and we deserve to feel sane and not want to eat dog biscuits.

Yes, we can do hard things, but we don’t need to give up eating, not even for a week. So if someone asks if you want to do a cleanse with them and you don’t, just say “No, thank you,” wish them well, and sink your teeth into a motherfucking steak while praising your God that you won’t need a Costco-sized tub of Tucks pads.