Remembering Who You Were Together Before Kids Takes Work

by Cassandra Stone
Originally Published: 
Image via Morgan Ramsey/Delightful Stills Photography

It’s important for parents to remember who they were together before kids

There are relationships Before Kids, and then there are relationships After Kids. Even if you’ve been in the same relationship with the same person throughout both phases, the relationship itself drastically changes. Perfectly exemplifying how important it is to maintain some semblance of your past lives is a Facebook post shared by mom Morgan Ramsey.

In the post, Ramsey urges parents to find some “calm in the chaos” and remember to communicate with one another.

“One day, you’ll wake up and ask yourself, what am I doing? Why doesn’t this feel right?” she writes. “That’s when you realize your, ‘What would you like to do for fun today? Where should we go out tonight? What would you like to talk about today?’ turns into, ‘Will you change the baby’s diaper? Can you please help me clean? Will you get up with the baby this time?’ and suddenly you’re disconnected from the easy going, free loving adventure your life once was.”

Whew. Isn’t that the truth. Going from an easygoing, relaxed couple to a full-blown family means your time to focus on one another like you used to is down to practically zilch. By the time the kids are in bed and you actually have time to talk, you’re often just too damn exhausted. Which just leaves us feeling forgotten, according to Ramsey. So what can we do to remember the “us” from yesteryear?

Image via Morgan Ramsey/Delightful Stills Photography


“Take some time out of your day to have a conversation about anything besides the kids, work or money,” Ramsey writes. “Ask your partner how their day has been, and listen to what they have to say. Do not minimize the burden of stress each of you carry on a daily basis, don’t compare pain. Always, talk about the first night you met. Remember that spark that lit your romance on fire. COMMUNICATE.”

She’s right. I know I feel closest to my husband when we’re alone and just shoot the breeze about anything and everything. It doesn’t happen often enough — because life — but when it does I forget all the irritations and daily stresses for awhile. Which is always a nice feeling. Relationships are hard work, though, that’s just reality.

As for what inspired the post (and accompanying adorable photo), Ramsey says she was recently thinking about how crazy life got once she and her husband became parents and began neglecting each other.

“It was a little crazy for us, we both worked full time jobs at the time and it seemed like we never talked to each other,” she tells Scary Mommy. “We often blamed one another for the issues we were having instead of looking at the bigger picture.” She says one day she realized how much she missed him, and they both decided to dedicate more time to working on their problems instead of just fighting. “As crazy as it sounds, after 6 years, there was still things about him that I’ve never heard,” she says.

Her biggest piece of advice? “LISTEN. Try to see things of each others point of view and find a happy medium.”

She concluded her Facebook post with some more words of wisdom: “Sometimes when you want to cry, laugh instead. Embrace the glorious mess that you are.”

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