8 Ways Motherhood Is Exactly Like A Disney Princess Movie
1. You have totally fucked-up body proportions.
Most leads in Disney movies are 5-foot-11-inches tall and have a waist smaller than the width of their eyes. Moms also have measurements that shouldn’t exist in nature. For instance, my boobs are exactly as long as my arms. My hips are as wide as I am tall. Oh, and like any Disney princess, I have long, flowing hair—it just happens to be on my legs.
2. There’s tons of annoying music.
Kidz Bop, Daniel Tiger, the songs your kids make up about every activity they’re doing. Oh, and also you’ve had “Let It Go” on repeat for the past 14 months. Your life is full of musical interludes, and it’s not nearly as fun as it looks on screen. I’d love to tell you it gets better, but I remember my youth. Pretty soon these tots will grow up and discover boy bands and terrible goth rock and then you’ll be begging for “Hakuna Matata.”
3. Inanimate objects randomly come to life.
Belle had a talking candlestick. You’ve got a couch that can sing the alphabet. Well, actually it’s the singing play phone hidden inside the couch that gets activated by Wheat Thins shards every time someone sits down, but still. Things are always talking and playing music the second you get near them, even when they don’t have batteries. It’s kind of freaky, actually. Either this is a Disney movie or you’re about to get murdered in your sleep by a Sofia the First doll. Who can really be sure?
4. You’re always wearing the same thing.
Disney characters never get a change of clothes, and neither do moms. Whether you’re running through an enchanted forest and snagging your clothes on haunted tree limbs or just getting puked on a lot, you better settle in and get used to your look, because you’re not changing out of that T-shirt unless you somehow get invited to a ball.
5. You have to do all the cleaning, even though you’re a princess.
I mean, hello? I never would’ve signed up for this gig if someone had explained to me the rigors of cleaning up after an entire family without so much as a single woodland creature to pick up the slack. I already had true love’s first kiss, so it’s supposed to be time to hang up my apron and relax. What’s with all the dishes and when do my helper mice arrive?
6. Solving problems requires a bit of magic.
We may not have wands or magic mirrors, but we practice our own special brand of sorcery. Have you ever washed and assembled a baby bottle one-handed while holding a screaming infant? Can you change a diaper in 30 seconds flat, possibly blindfolded? Can you get a meal on the table when all you’ve got in the house is string cheese, apple juice, and 11 different kinds of goldfish crackers? Congratulations! You’re a wizard, Harry! Oh, sorry, wrong franchise. You’re actually your own fairy godmother. When life gives you pumpkins, you bippity-boppity-boo that shit into a sweet-ass carriage.
7. You never get to eat.
Seriously, when was the last time you saw a Disney princess take a Cheez-It break? Even in Beauty and the Beast, they do that whole “Be Our Guest” number and then take Belle’s spoon before she gets a bite. How many stars does a lady have to wish upon to get some porridge up in here? As moms, we can identify with that kind of pain because we haven’t had a hot meal since the pee stick said yes.
8. Forces of evil keep trying to ruin your happy ending.
You might be the main character in this jacked-up fairy tale, but your kids are the ones driving all the action. Whether the warfare is physical, spiritual or psychological, they’re on a quest to break you that no amount of true love can counteract. Keep your eyes peeled and your wine at the ready, and if they’ve been playing with Legos, remember to put on your glass slippers before you go walking around at night.
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