10 Mother's Little Helpers To Survive Parenting

by Joelle Wisler
Originally Published: 

We all have them. In order to survive the raising of annoying (albeit cute) versions of ourselves, we occasionally have to give in to those little vices that give us back a sense of ourselves.

And while the Rolling Stones may have coined Valium as “Mother’s Little Helper,” there are plenty of other ways that moms can get some “help.”

1. Snorting caffeine: Sometimes I’m so tired after stabbing monsters for my children all night that I get an urge to jam that coffee right up my nose with one of those rainbow-colored bendy straws.

2. Online gambling: I mean, eBay, how I love thee. Let me count the ways that I waste my time by browsing your lovely technological shelves and hoping that I “win” those perfect TOMS wedges.

3. A LOT of time-outs: For me. You can call this an extended bathroom break or purposefully losing a game of hide and seek, whichever. I just need to be alone, in the quiet, without a child sprouting from one of my appendages like mold.

4. Trashy magazines: Otherwise known as: looking at the pretty dresses and telling lies to myself that I could look that great with a trainer, some collagen and an unlimited budget.

5. VENTING: I sometimes do this to my poor unsuspecting husband when he comes home, or to my friends; I can even talk to myself in the mirror like a crazy person while I’m in time out. Whatever works. Life with small children can be a shit show, literally, and I need to be able to talk…and talk…and talk about it.

6. Secrets: My kids don’t need to know everything about me. And they definitely don’t need to know about the good chocolate. All they know is that sometimes I am a much nicer person when I come out of the pantry.

7. Narcissistic tendencies: My hair needs A LOT of maintenance. I must spend hours at the hair salon (that just happens to serve wine in the afternoon) once a month. At least that’s what I tell my husband.

8. Lies: Nothing beats the sweet relief I get from watching my entire family roll down the driveway while I pretend to be sick. Goodbye family! I love you. I should just *cough cough* lie down for awhile and try to feel better.

9. Getting my heart rate up: In all the ways you can imagine. If I move my body, I may not want to throw my child’s favorite Hello Kitty doll off the deck when she talks in that voice that only dogs can hear.

10. Alcohol consumption: I would say, not every single day and in small 4 oz doses, but I…won’t.

Hang in there Mamas! There are many “little helpers” out there that don’t involve, you know, connecting with Walter White.

Related post: 5 Lies I Tell To Survive Parenthood

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