10 Reasons My Teen is Better Than Your Little Kid

I had my son when I was 25, so most of the time, I’m considered young to have a teenager. My friends all talk about their kids’ soccer games and ballet lessons, and I talk about renting a tuxedo for prom, or the fact that my son finally has a non-psychotic girlfriend (well, mostly non-psychotic). Usually, at least one of my friends will say something like, “Ugh, the teen years. I’m not looking forward to that.” Really? I would so much rather have a teen that a little kid.

Here’s why:

1. I’ve never seen Frozen or heard that annoying song everyone sings in numerous “funny” social media videos. I’ve never bothered to watch one of those videos because I don’t care. I don’t even have to pretend to care. You’re jealous and you know it. I get to watch real movies with my son, without animation or brain-burning songs.

2. My son could carry me out of a burning building. Depending on the day, I’m not sure if he WOULD save me, but he does indeed have the actual strength to carry me. He would definitely carry his girlfriend out first, but still, he COULD opt to save me. Your third grader would be useless in an emergency situation and would likely melt into a ball of urine and tears.

3. He opens water bottles (and jars, and other impossible things) for me. Why the HELL do they seal water bottles to withstand a nuclear bomb? Teens seem to develop the necessary hand strength to open bottles from all of that texting.

4. He knows where babies come from, and he thinks they’re annoying. So, no embarrassing explanations using a stork and a “tummy” are necessary. Furthermore, he knows how to avoid making babies, if you get my drift.

5. He SLEEPS. Yes, jealous parents, the boy sleeps so late that I end up waking him up because I fear he has died. He even slept late on CHRISTMAS. When he did get up, he made coffee. Can your little Disney loving scout do that?

6. He can drive, which means he can go buy me ice cream while I sit on the couch in my jammies. Also, I don’t have to drive him all over God’s green earth for any activities or appointments he may have. The boy can do it himself. YES!

7. He teaches me patience by doing a number of asinine things. When I hold back from choking him, I’ve learned to be patient. Oh wait. Toddlers and little kids do that, too. Never mind.

8. He does chores I don’t want to do, like scooping dog shit from the yard. Your little second grade love bug would barf and/or cry after picking up one smooshy turd.

9. He tells jokes that are actually funny because they are really inappropriate. No stupid knock knock jokes at my dinner table. We laugh so hard that we have learned not to take a sip or bite if the boy is about to talk. But you keep enjoying “Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?”

10. He actually eats dinner in less time than it takes to get it fully on the table. Like all teens, he seems to need about 10,487 calories a day. There’s no, “come on, sweetheart. Eat your green beans.” happening at my house. Food is inhaled so quickly you wonder if it ever really existed.

Yes, its not all coffee making and sleeping in. Being the parent of a teen can be challenging, but I would still rather have my teenager than any Santa believing elementary kid. I get to buy just one set of Christmas gifts now. So there.

Related post: Texting Your Teen, A Lesson of What NOT To Do