10 Nail Trends That Are Giving Us Nightmares

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2018 has been a helluva year for food trends, but have you seen the nails trends? I have, and I’m freaking petrified.

I like a good nail-polishing as much as anyone. There’s something about getting our fingers all decked out that makes us smile every time we look at our digits. But lately, nail trends have been getting a bit out of hand (see what I did there?). I don’t understand how people function with these things jetting out their fingertips–aren’t you supposed to be able to use your hands for fun things like snacking and applying mascara?

I’m all for expressing one’s self with body art, piercings, and hair color, but if it gets in the way of my Cheetos-eating habit, I gotta put on the breaks.

Here are just a few of the nails trends giving us nightmares:

1. Teeth

Perhaps these are fun for a dentist or a dental hygienist, but then how do they take care of actual teeth? This picture is going to haunt my dreams. They are so thick and so white — how are they constructed? How are they removed ? Will the tooth fairy come when they fall off? Does one of those tooth-nails have a cavity? I literally can not come up with one logical reason to do this.

2. Little Fingers

I have nothing to say except I will never be the same after seeing this.

3. Dangerous Looking Pointy Shit

I’m confused about this one for so many reasons. We can sport long nails without them looking like daggers, right? How can you do anything fun with these fuckers jabbing from your finger tips? How do you scratch your head without drawing blood? There’s no way in hell you can grab handfuls of chips or M&M’s with these, and let’s not visualize what masturbating or giving yourself a nice, clean wipe would be like. Ouchie.

4. Boobs

I love boobs. I love mine, I love yours, I love lingerie, nipples, all of it. But I’m not sure we need to have our nails covered in sets of titties. I’m so confused right now.

5. Torso

If a set of boobs isn’t enough, you can take it up a notch and have a whole damn chest and groin area added to your fingers complete with diamond lingerie.

6. McDonald’s

No, now you’re craving a Big Mac with special sauce, fries, a shake with a side of fingernails.

7. Mustache

Painted on ‘staches are cute and all, but when we put actual hair or fur on our nails were are looking at getting that shit in our food, and tickling our partner during sexy time. Stick with the painted on version.

8. Nose

There’s no reason for this. I can’t imagine the time it takes to have a nose sculpted on each of my fingernails. During that time I could clean out a closet, get my grocery shopping done, and binge watch a mindless show, thank you very much.

9. People

This is an easy one for your kids to apply for you at home. Simply take all their happy meal toys and ask them to glue them on your nails like so. The best part is, it won’t cost you a dime.

10. Ears

Ears. On your nails. Complete with piercings. No, that’s not weird at all.

I realize you are probably staring at the various type of nail art, wanting the visions in your head to disappear as soon as fucking possible, but we had to share. Now excuse me while I go wash out my eyes.

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