Don't Just Focus On Your Love Language -- Talk About Your 'Turn-On Languages' Too

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Confession: I have a turn-on language. Not a love language, a turn-on language. And there’s a big difference.

Here goes: My turn-on involves neck kissing, a little roughness, aggressive talk, and an ass smack. It’s the way I’m wired. I don’t need a love poem, nice lighting, or someone to clean the house. If I’m really not in the mood, and would go to sleep, a back rub does wonders for my mind and my vagina. It doesn’t even have to be grand, just get me a bit relax and settled and I’ll be good to go anywhere from five to 25 minutes.

Some of us love Marvin Gaye while others prefer Justin Timberlake, and our turn-on languages are no different. This is why people are so damn interesting — we all have our things which make us tick in and out of the bedroom.

I talked to some people who need to hear, “I want to fuck you right now, get upstairs now,” in order to get in the mood. And another who needs stimulating conversation and lots of eye contact first. Someone taking control is a turn off for them, and drop the dirty talk, please.

Massaging seems to be a universal turn-on language — especially for people with a vagina who have been stressed out, touched out, and are at the end of their ropes after adulting all day.

There are those who are turned on by a certain scent, and others who need get super hot when their partner does something for them like cleaning, cooking them a meal, or fixing something around the house. Oh, I’m getting hot under the hood just thinking about all of these things! Bring on the aphrodisiacs, but don’t forget the most important part — tell the person you are having sex with what makes you gush.

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It sounds easy enough, but so many of us are ashamed, embarrassed, nervous, expect our lovers to read our tangled minds, or think they should remember that time we moaned when they were climbing up the ladder to fix the shingles on the roof with their tool belt.

A hint is nice, but think about actually speaking up and being very clear about what wets — er, whets — your appetite for sexy timee.

I like it when you play with my hair.

It gets me hot when you kiss my neck first. Draw me a bath and I’ll be relaxed enough to give your a blow job after a nice soak.

And what doesn’t work for you and your libido.

Please stop with all the different sex positions because it’s too much moving around and I feel like I’m going to fall off the bed.

Go slower, that’s too rough. I need more foreplay before you dive in.

This isn’t easy to do, even if you have been with someone for a long time. Kelly Kitley, LCSW of Serendipitous Psychology LLC has coached many couples who are struggling in the bedroom and says she’s worked with people who are “too embarrassed to talk to their partner about what they like/dislike and some have never reached orgasm.”

The words “never” and “orgasm” don’t belong in the same sentence together. Everyone deserves to get theirs.

Kitley says the reason for this is how they were raised. “I’ve found a common thread of sexuality not being embraced in the household they grew up in, or talking about it was shamed.” If that was your situation, it’s never too late to rewrite history. Sex is one of the most intimate acts we can engage in with another person. Why aren’t we talking about it more with the person who is touching us in our special places?

“It’s important to normalize the language,” says Kitley, adding, “The more couples talk about their experiences, the better their sex life becomes.”

August McLaughlin, author of Girl Boner, suggests making a Yes, No, Maybe list if you aren’t someone who wants to have a face-to-face discussion about what gets you going with your partner.

Don’t forget to include attitudes in your list, “Many people aren’t looking for a ‘bad guy’ to turn them on, which has been a myth for a long time. They want respect and kindness in order to feel in the mood,” she says.

There is so much talk about love languages in order to make a relationship work. But just because you like someone to bring you a sweet gift like chocolate or a shell from the beach to make you feel you are loved, that doesn’t mean you don’t want them to throw you down on a bed and tie you up.

And the longer you wait to tell your lover what really gets you in the mood, the more lack-luster sex you are going to have and really, life is too short.

So speak the hell up. Your genitals — and your partner — will thank you.

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