10 Ways Newborns Are Evil

Sure, you love them, but babies are evil. Boo! It’s Chucky. JK! It’s babies.

1. Newborns sleep all day and drink your bodily fluids. So do vampires.

2. Poop that looks like soft foods? Thanks for ruining mustard, pudding, and hummus, babies.

3. During the daylight hours, everyone will touch your baby with their nose-picking fingers. Your baby will wait until 3 am to Linda Blair on your jammies.

4.The only thing as scary as the sound of a crying newborn is Nickelback.

5. You are so beautiful that a man wanted to procreate with you, or you are so financially stable that you could adopt a baby. Caring for that baby will make you ugly and broke. Babies love a cruel joke.

6. Colic.

7. Only debauched people eat and poop at the same time.

8. Humans need sleep, your baby doesn’t. Logic dictates that your baby is an alien.

9. Newborn fingernails are the inspiration behind Freddie Kruger.

10. Babies need constant care and attention. If that fails call an exorcist.

Remember to sleep when the baby sleeps. They hate that.

About the writer

@NicoleLeighShaw

Nicole Leigh Shaw began writing as a newspaper journalist in 1999, but has been moving through all of the metamorphic stages of the modern writer, except "tortured novelist." Soon she'll emerge as a butterfly or a vlogger. Nicole writes for Cosmopolitan.com, ScaryMommy.com, and NickMom.com. In addition to her four kids, she also maintains a blog, Tyop Aretist.

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Kelly 3 years ago

THANK YOU for this- My baby is 8 weeks old and currently screaaaaaming for no reason. I was about to go insane, so I took a 5 minute break from the madness and read this post. I feel better. Thank you. LMAO

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

It’s the love that keeps everyone alive past the first year. That and the toothless smiles.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

It’s sooooo nice when it’s over.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Lady, I apologize. I owe you reparations. I assume you’ll take payment in wine.

JD Bailey @ Honest Mom 3 years ago

OMG. You just ruined pudding and hummus for me FOREVER.

But I still love you and your crazy self.

vivian onyeaku 3 years ago

So true. I remember my son doing all these. Thankfully,he Į̸̸̨§ now 2years and 7months old.

Kathy at kissing the frog 3 years ago

Ugly. Check. Broke. Check. Pajamas that are ruined. Check.

Aww, but you gotta love em anyway!

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

You think Seacrest is an alien, too?! I knew I wasn’t alone.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Well, I guess no one said evil and happiness are mutually exclusive.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Ha! I’d love to see that pic.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

I must say, I have the appetite of a disturbed person. I have regained full cravings for the poop-reminiscent foods. I’ll be ashamed of myself later, when I’m done with this bowl of butterscotch pudding.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

I always think I want another one. Consider this post my way of checking myself before I wreck myself.

Jessica 3 years ago

I’ve been fighting off the urge for one more lately, probably because I’m insane. I will read and reread this post until it sinks in. Hilarious Nicole.

Natasha 3 years ago

I can’t eat anything mushy after having my son…no mashed potatoes, mustard, pudding, or even applesauce. Everything reminds me of his poop way back when. Forget way back when, his poop last night was just as disgusting!

Love it all…can’t pick a favorite (as usual)! Thanks for the great laugh! :)

Buffy 3 years ago

Oh, I wish I could post a pic on here. I have one of my evil baby where I twisted 2 little pieces of hair and made them stand up so it looked like he had horns. He was also looking at me as if he were the devil planning for my demise, so it’s extra hilarious. It’s possible he didn’t care for me using him as a canvas to artistically express my feelings of the day., But he was like a few months old and couldn’t do shit about it. And right now, as he’s banging on my closed door, I’m missing those days, and thinking it’s possible that the joke’s on me. :)

Jenny From the Blog at The Suburban Jungle 3 years ago

OMG…. just like Ryan Seacrest, babies are creepy aliens who need have no real schedule and can’t sleep more than an hour at a clip. Fuckers!

Ashley R 3 years ago

We call my 8 month old the devil….instead of baby babbles he literally growls at you…like the monster under the bed type of growl. The funny thing though is that he is a very happy cheerful baby…just with a growl.

Meredith 3 years ago

Boom! Birth control delivered perfectly!

Natalie 3 years ago

Yesterday I had a slight breakdown after like a good 4 days of barely any sleep. As I was crying, my infant took one look at me and SMILED. He freaking SMILED while I was sobbing my damn eyeballs out because he couldn’t be bothered to sleep nicely. SMILED. -_- That’s when I really knew he was super evil.

Aggs 3 years ago

Aaaahahaha! The fingernails!!!

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

And then they puke on it.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

It’s the most piercing sound in the history of sound.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Puts paper cuts to shame.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Don’t I know it!

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

For sure. Diabolical.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

God, also, loves a good joke.

sara 3 years ago

haha,I agree 100%!!Nobody ever told me about this evilness until I was living through it,then everybody had a”solution”to make it better..which nothing helped! I remember going to one of my son’s doctors appointments,crying and begging for Valium,or something that would help me!!!

hollow tree ventures 3 years ago

Stupid possessed vampire alien babies. They ruin everything.

My Half Assed Life 3 years ago

It’s been 17 years since I had a newborn and still the sound of a crying baby makes me just want to do something, anything that will make that unhappy sound stop. Cats doing that annoying newborn cry they all have does it to me too.

Tia 3 years ago

Ha! #9 is my favorite. I’ve ended up with scratches all over my face, chest, neck. Looks like I sleep with a wildcat half the time.

Noelle 3 years ago

Oh number #5. So true!

Annette 3 years ago

So true!

lisa 3 years ago

Amber:

My condolences on your loss. Give yourself time, things will get better. When I experienced my loss, I drove my husband crazy pointing out other pregnant women saying “look she is pregnant, why couldnt I be?” I dont know WHY I did it :-(.

Hang in there… and dont let anyone put a timetable on YOUR grief.

Hana 3 years ago

How about, turns the only parts of your body that you got any sort of pleasure out of and didn’t have to workout out at the gym into painful distortions of themselves. EVIL!

Teresa 3 years ago

Thank the Lord that they are so cute! Now I know why some species eat their young …

(BTW, this is just a joke! I don’t condone ANY abuse of children EVER and I know it exists in this world, sadly. It is just one of those tidbits of dark humor that got me throught the NO SLEEP days of newborn twins.)

Also, God made US so strong to get us through the whole thing — and then make us want to do it again! :-)

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

I’ve always said that colic is the number one cause of divorce and daytime drunkenness.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Oh! Yes, cottage cheese! Good call.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Sorry about that popcorn thing. That’s sad, indeed.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Probably the most evil part is how the will cry and cry and cry, and then smile at you. That’s evil. Cute, but evil.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

They have their moments.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Stone ground mustard. Can’t look at it without thinking, “Who let a baby shit in the mustard jar?!”

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Nickleback *shiver*

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

My oldest had colic as well. One night, around 2 am, I told her, “Honey, it’s either we both stop crying or we go stand in the middle of traffic. Your call.” Obviously, we choose option three, the sleep of the ridiculously exhausted. I’m proud to report we both made it out unscathed.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Sing it, sister. I’m far enough removed from newborn poop that I can again enjoy hummus. Either that or I’m just kind of disgusting.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

We used to call my son The Gremlin. He made the oddest growling noises.

Ninja Mom 3 years ago

Amber, I’m terribly sorry for your loss. This post, intended to poke fun at the trying aspects of raising a newborn, is certainly not aimed at hurting anyone. I hope you’ll find reason to smile very soon. Best wishes.

Amanda 3 years ago

This is so funny! I refer to my 2month old as, MONSTER! When I hear the little critter starting to stir from her sleep I’m scared!

Jenny 3 years ago

Both of mine had colic, so #6 spoke to me. Admittedly, because I love them so darn much, I often tried to pin the blame for their “evil” on someone else — sometimes God, sometimes my husband, and sometimes whomever happened to cross my path at the wrong time on the worst days!

sara 3 years ago

so sorry for your loss!Hopefully you will get the chance to go through all this one day soon!!

Kristi 3 years ago

I miss hummus. Thanks a lot, children. :(

Amber 3 years ago

I just found out yesterday I had a miscarriage. I’m a big fan of Scary mommy. I always laugh at everything posted and enjoy it very much. I still will continue to support this site. This post, however, made me sad. But boy, what I wouldn’t give to be up all night with a snotty, poopy, non-sleeping colicy baby right now…

sara 3 years ago

I lived(somehow) through 5 months of #6!!Now I am a raging alcoholic!!Not really,but the thought crossed my mind more than once!!

Tiffany Lloyd 3 years ago

I just had the thought about babies and vampires this morning! Also babies ruin cottage cheese. (Spit up)

Beth 3 years ago

To me, new born baby poop, especially newborn, smells like really buttered popcorn, similar to what is served at movie theaters. I don’t know if I will be able to eat popcorn again.

Stefanie 3 years ago

Why yes, yes they are.

Kim 3 years ago

LOL! Sooooo true. Assholes!

Kristen Mae 3 years ago

I used to really love hummus. Bastards.

=)

Mom Off Meth 3 years ago

#4 cracked me up! And it is so true. Gross!