The NRA Brings You The Gun-Filled Fairy Tales You Never Wanted

The NRA rewrites fairy tales… with guns

In the NRA’s world, more guns make us safer, so why not throw some into classic fairy tales? We all know the Big, Bad Wolf never would have gobbled up grandma if she was packing. And why make Hansel and Gretel two small, unassuming children when you can give them rifles and make them heroes?

Amelia Hamilton, self described “blogger and patriot” rewrote the stories for the NRA Family website, and somehow managed to make the classic tales boring and horrifying at the same time. Little Red Riding Hood is now called, Little Red Riding Hood (Has A Gun). Hansel and Gretel is now called, Hansel and Gretel (Have Guns). Clever!

“Have you ever wondered what those same fairy tales might sound like if the hapless Red Riding Hoods, Hansels and Gretels had been taught about gun safety and how to use firearms,” asks the editor’s note intro to the “fairy tales” on the NRA Family website. Yes, there’s an NRA Family website. This is its logo:

“Most of us probably grew up having fairy tales read to us as we drifted off to sleep. But how many times have you thought back and realized just how, well, grim some of them are? Did any of them ever make your rest a little bit uneasy?” Not as uneasy as this logo, no.

In the NRA’s version of Little Red Riding Hood, little Red enters the woods with a “rifle over her shoulder.” When she meets the Big Bad Wolf on her trek, his “wolfish smile” disappears when his eyes fall on her rifle. Then, we he arrives at grandma’s house ahead of Red, grandma avoids her demise by springing for her shotgun “to protect herself and her home.”

Red arrives, they hogtie the Wolf, the huntsman carries him off, and Red and grandma sit “in companionable silence, happy in the security that comes with knowing they could defend themselves.”

Oh, yes. This is going to be a hit with the kids.

Hansel and Gretel are no longer two young kids who’ve been thrust into the woods by their evil stepmother. The author probably couldn’t get around the fact that the psycho stepmom would’ve probably just shot the kids if she were armed. Instead, Hansel and Gretel are hunting tweens, just trying to provide for their families when they happen upon a witch’s candy cottage — with two trapped young children whispering for help:

“Hansel unlocked the cage and opened the door. The hinges gave a groan and the sound of the witch’s snoring stopped, the silence filling the room as they looked at each other in panic. Gretel got her rifle ready, but lowered it again when the snoring resumed…” Oh, god.

“Their parents were overjoyed to see them come home from their hunting trip with meat for the pot, and shocked to hear of their adventure in the witch’s cottage,” this completely changed story that no longer resembles Hansel and Gretel continues. “After reuniting the boys with their parents, it was time to take on the witch…and get some hunting done in the meantime.”

The Grimm brothers are rolling over in their graves.