9 Assholes Your Kid Will Inevitably End Up Friends With

by Eve Vawter for Mommyish
Originally Published: 
A boy in a red T-Shirt yelling with devil horns drawn onto the blackboard behind him

Every kid has a friend their parent wishes they didn’t have. Now, I know it isn’t NICE to make fun of kids, but…well, sometimes we parents need to get shit off our chests. Consider this your freebie moment. We won’t tell.

The issue with these a-hole kids is not that they are dangerous or evil, but that they are just annoying enough to make your parental skin crawl, and you find yourself slightly discouraging your kid from hanging out with them, making subtle comments like “For shit’s sake, don’t you have any OTHER friends?” The kid that annoys you is the kid that your own kid will become BFF FOREVER EVER with. This is just the way of things. They’re not technically the spawn of satan, and they aren’t putting your kid in actual physical danger, but they are doing something creepy like picking their slimy little noses and rubbing it on your walls when they think you aren’t looking.

1. The Kid Who Cries All The Time. This is the kid who when the parent dropped them off at a playdate stood in your doorway for ten minutes kissing their parent goodbye. They looked really sad about coming over to your house to play and eat delicious snacks. This kid had a total meltdown and started sobbing when your kid suggested they stopped playing a board game and went outside to play on the swings instead. This is the same kid who gets dropped off to your kid’s birthday party and ten minutes into it digs a folded up wad of paper out of their shoe to call their mom to come get them.

2. The Bad Idea Kid. This is the kid that talks your kid into doing stuff your own kid would never normally do. Your own kid knows this is a BAD idea, but when they are around this kid you are suddenly NOT HEARING ANY NOISE FROM UPSTAIRS and when you go to check on them they have locked themselves in the bathroom and are giving your poor cat a bath.

3. The Kid Who Wants To Be Your BFF Rather Than Your Kid’s. AKA The “Stalker kid.” This is the kid who comes over and instead of playing with your kid they want to play with you. This happened a few years ago but I once had a kid who would follow me all around my house no matter what I was doing, leaving my son all alone with a pile of a Legos and a pile of Goldfish crackers. I swear to Brit-Brit, this kid folded laundry. WITH ME. And when we were done the kid looked at me and said “What do you want to do next?” Yeah, yeah, it’s cute when a kid likes you but I wanted them to play with MY kid. Had I wanted someone to play with me I would have made my husband stay home from work.

4. The Sancti-Mommy-Or-Daddy In Training. This kid will constantly tell you “This is not how we do things at my house.” Whether it be what you are serving for dinner, what toys your kids have, or what you are watching on TV. Once a kid was over and they walked into MY Bedroom for two seconds to inform me they heard BAD WORDS coming from my TV. I think I was watching Scandal. This same kid told me when I was enjoying a refreshing beverage that ONLY BAD PEOPLE DRINK DIET COKE. No lie.

5. The Randomly Filthy Kid. This kid looked perfectly normal when their parents dropped them off. But within ten minutes of being at your house they will be filthy, your house will be filthy, and the majority of the playdate will be spent either cleaning them up or cleaning up after them. This is the kid who uses their pants and shirt instead of a napkin. This is the kid who wipes their nose on your walls. This is the kid who has to be reminded to take their shoes off after playing outside because their shoes will somehow magically be covered in mud, even though it hasn’t rained in week. This is the kid that never, ever, flushes the toilet after using it. Ever.

6. The 7-Year-Old-Going-On-19. Almost every playdate with this kid involves a makeover or doing manicures or asking if they can watch videos of Katy Perry. You will overhear this kid talk a lot about which boys she thinks are cute in class. She will also tell your own kid that eating candy makes you fat.

7. The Kid Who Is Always Bored. A close relative of the Kid Who Cries All The Time, this kid will be bored within 15 minutes of entering your home, no matter what you are doing. It doesn’t matter how many toys you have, how many video game systems, or if you just took the kids to see a movie, to buy a new toy at Toys R’ Us, followed up by a damn trip to Chuck E. Cheese and you stopped on the way home to get ice cream. This kid is bored. And they will tell you so, constantly. And if they aren’t telling you so, then they will walk around your house with their shoulders slumped sighing a lot like you are running an improv class and their assignment is to “act bored.”

8. The Totally Destructive Kid. This kid breaks stuff. All the time. And throws things. All The Time. I have no clue why, but if you ask them nicely to stop throwing things or play more carefully it doesn’t not work. Rocks from your garden thrown in your driveway? That kid did that. Jumping off the top of the stairs to the lower landing? That’s fun too. Your own kid will always end up with a black eye or busted lip after this kid comes over.

9. The “I Don’t Have To” Kid. Probably the worst kid of all, the I Don’t Have To Kid is the one that drives me the most batshit. This is the kid that will fight you on everything. Help clean up toys after playing? I don’t have to. Stop trying to ride the dog like a pony? I don’t have to. Not use your kid’s bed as a trampoline? I don’t have to. Usually followed by BECAUSE MY MOMMY SAYS I DON’T HAVE TO. So blame the parents on this one. The only upside to this kid is that they are so used to replying to every request that you make with I don’t have to that you can sometimes fuck with them by saying stuff like “Why don’t you come down here and I will get you some ice cream” and before they realize what you have asked them, they reply with, yup, you guessed it.

Related post: 50 Ways Other People’s Kids Suck

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