While those two factors definitely contribute to the plight that most millennial moms have to deal with these days, Kat Bernard is pointing the finger right at our own mothers.
Yup, we’re looking right at you, ’90s moms!
In her now-viral video, Bernard explains that she doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers, but since her time as a wife and mom, she’s put some pieces together as to why millennial moms might feel a little stretched beyond their limits. Not really to anyone’s surprise — it’s a generational thing!
“It’s going to come off so bad, but does anyone feel like screwed over by their mom a little bit?” she asks.
“What I mean is that I feel like we grew up in the generation where our moms worked, plus did primary caretaking, and all the things. They were literally everything, and they did it.”
She then says that she doesn’t know how ’90s moms “did it,” but she knows one thing: She doesn’t want to “do it.”
Bernard also explains that millennial husbands probably saw their mom “do it all” with little complaint, and so deep down, they carry a lot of those same expectations in their own wife and mother of their children.
“And I feel like our husbands maybe have a little bit of that expectation too. And I feel like that’s why people, maybe like, are going to divorce more or they’re waiting longer to like find a mate or like, whatever it might be because, like, we don’t want to put up with that. You know what I mean?” she questions.
“Like, yes, we want to be parents. Yes, we might want a career, but, like, we are not going to be 100% of both while you only do, like, 50% of one.”
Preach! A lot more of today’s moms are not standing for the bare minimum when it comes to having a partner to do life with. More are demanding an equal load when it comes to child-rearing, housekeeping, and the other million things to keep track of when raising a family and keeping a home.
’90s moms would take care of the kids, cook, clean, and work, and they never said boo about it. This truly boggles my mind because me? I could never.
“Something that’s helped us soooo much combat this and avoid building resentment (or fixing it) is watching Fair Play ... and doing regular marriage meetings. It’s always something we’re working on to change those expectations into something more team-based. Highlyyy recommend it!” she wrote in her caption.
Thousands of TikTok users commented on the video, agreeing with Bernard’s observation about our moms, citing their own examples of being screwed over by their moms.
“This!!!! My mom worked full-time and some how we ate home cooked meals 7 days a week. Like pls. How?!?!?!” one user wrote.
“How did they do this?! My mom was the same!!” the OP replied.
“Yeah my MIL. she did everything and now my husband expects everything🙃” another wrote.
“Watching my mom work all day and then come home and take care of everything while my dad couldn’t even throw his trash in the garbage,” another said.
“Ouch 😳 they get such a pass. We have to help them break this cycle,” the OP said in response.
Another said, “It’s so crazy too bc I have so few memories with my dad bc he was so checked out while my mom was involved in everything.”
The OP replied, “It’s so hard because I always wonder if they *wanted* to be around more or do women just have better endurance for fatigue?”
“My parents both worked but their home life split pretty even. My MIL worked and did all house work and got divorced. I make sure to talk about that with my husband so he doesn’t make the same mistakes his dad made,” another said.
This kind of balanced work load is so important to a happy marriage that doesn’t reek of resentment and one half of the pair being completely drained. In Bernard’s caption, she mentioned Fair Play, which is a documentary on Hulu based on a book by author Eve Rodsky.
Fair Play helps couples work through a system that offers couples a fair and understandable way to divvy up chores and responsibilities so that each person is carrying an equal load.
Though the concept of Fair Play is progress, moms are still taking more of the mental and physical load when it comes to family life.
A recent poll found that 42% of working mothers surveyed were diagnosed with anxiety and/or depression in 2022, compared to 28% of the general population and 25% of child-free co-workers. Basically, the latest research shows that American women, young and old but especially moms, are essentially screwed.
One study from 2022 found women in the United States spend about 4.5 hours per day caring for their families and homes, while men spend about 2.8 hours a day on the same or similar tasks. This also includes family mental health care. The mental burden becomes even greater for working moms.
Brb, I’m going to call my mom and ask her why the hell she had to be so damn amazing and literally carry the world of a family of five on her back with no complaints! Now we’re all paying for it.