Conversations At The Pool
Jane! Hey! How have you been all year? It’s been so long since…
“Whoah, Whoah, Whoah! Get back here mister. Sunscreen first.”
Sorry. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you. How are the…
“Would you stop moving?! I’ll get the sunscreen in your eyes if you keep moving.”
How are the kids? Did they have a good…
“No! STOP!!!! Back away from the baby pool! Who do you think you are going in there with no floatie on?”
So um yeah, what was I saying? Oh yes, school year. Was it a good one?
“No you can’t have a snack! We just got here.”
That’s great! So happy to hear…
“I don’t care if you are hungry. You just ate lunch, there is no way you could be hungry. Now go swim.”
Sorry again. So happy to hear you guys are doing well. Do you have…wait, wait a minute, one…twooooo…three…Ok got a count of all the kids. Phew! Do you have plans for…
“Stop splashing your brother, please. He obviously doesn’t like it, and no one else wants to hear him cry like that.”
Where were we? Oh, Summer plans! Going anywhere fun?
“No! I said no snack yet! If you ask again you won’t get anything. Swim! Go!”
The beach! Oh how fun! We plan to go…Crap! I forgot suncreen on the baby. Hang on.
“Ohhhh! I know you hate this buddy. Sorry, but you’ll thank me some day. Ok. There you go. Back to your water bucket.”
Yeah, so we plan to go to the beach at the (sniff, sniff, sniff). Holy mother of…ugh!!!! Seriously! He pooped.
“Why couldn’t you have pooped like 10 minutes ago? Ok kids. Everyone out of the pool for a minute. Into the locker room. Because I said so. Do you want a snack later? That’s what I thought. Now march! Okay (deep breath). Let’s try this again. Does anyone have to go to the bathroom before we get back in the water?…No? Ok. Good!”
Ahhh, the beach. Sounds so rela…one, twooo, three…relaxing. Speaking of, do you think we will ever get to…
“OH MY GOD! STOP! Do not EVER squirt the lifeguard again! You go apologize right this minute!”
Do you think we will ever be one of those moms who gets to close her eyes and sunbathe… Oh no! Where is two? I see one and three but not two! Omigod, phew. There he is!
“Get away from the snack bar! You just gave me a heart attack! No. snacks. now. Understood?”
Geez Louise. Do you think we will ever be able to read a magazine? I’m not seeing that happening.
“Oh no! Baby down! (cries and screams) It’s ok. You are okay, little buddy. You just got a little water in your mouth.”
Yeah, I am not seeing sunbathing happening anytime in the near future with these crazy…
“Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Did you really just squirt the lifeguard again? That’s it. You’re in time out. Get in the chair now.”
Gosh my kids are so insane. Why do you seem so…
“Where is two again? Oh no! Omg! Where is he (big sigh), WHY ARE YOU OVER AT THE SNACK BAR AGAIN? Did you not hear me the first two times?”
Why do you seem so calm? Is it just me? Am I the only neur…
“Get back in time out, Sir.”
Neurotic. I am completely neurotic. God I could really go for a…
“Ok. Fine. You can get out of time out now, but you will be right back in that chair if you squirt the life guard again.”
What was I saying? Oh yeah. A drink. Wouldn’t that be…
“In ten minutes, okay? In ten minutes, you can have snack.”
Ugh. Yeah. Maybe I’ll skip the drink and have a shot.
“No. Ice cream is not a snack. A snack is chips or pretzels.”
And to think people think we just lounge by the…
“Because I said so.”
People think that, right? That we just sit by the pool all afternoon and…one… twooo…three…hang out. Jane? Jane?
“Honey did you see where mommy’s friend went? Dammit. Now you guys scared away mommy’s friend! Why can’t you just sit and play with buckets and be good, and not poop and whine and squirt the people who could potentiality save your life one day? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?”
Oh, but fear not fellow neurotic mommy friends, this can happen in our dreams:
Related post: Talk to You in 30 Years
This article was originally published on