Ask Scary Mommy: How Do I Get Out Of Hosting My In-laws?
Your in-laws want to stay in your house when they visit — but you're not sure you can take it.
Ask Scary Mommy is our (semi)weekly advice column wherein Scary Mommy editors and guest editors — fellow moms like you — will answer your burning questions. You can send all of your questions and conundrums about parenting, family, and relationships to askscarymommy@bdg.com (don’t worry — we’ll keep you anonymous!).
When we go through our reader mail, we’re not going to lie: There is a lot of parents out there who need advice about dealing with their in-laws. And believe me, we have heard some stories. One recurring in-law theme is about boundaries and space — you can deal with your in-laws, but goodness gracious, they always want a little more than you are offering. This week’s letter fits into that vein: what do you do when your the grandparents want to stay at your house when they visit, but you’d rather they were in a hotel?
Dear Scary Mommy,
How do I get out of hosting my in-laws? They always expect to stay with us and I can’t take it!
— Hostess Without The Mostest
Dear Hostess Without The Mostest,
Here’s something that I’ve learned over the years from dealing with many people in the Boomer generation: they are not the greatest at open and honest communication. And it makes sense. They grew up when kids were better off seen and not heard and raised by people who had been through a world war and the Great Depression. And while it’s not their fault, it is something that they can recognize and work on if they really want to.
In other words, they might take it hard when you do what I suggest you do: communicate with them openly and honestly that right now in your life, it’s easier if they stay somewhere else when they visit. That’s all you have to say, with no embellishments.
Once a long time ago, someone gave me a great piece of advice: when you’re breaking up with someone toxic, don’t give a specific reason. If you give them a reason, they will see it as an invitation to argue about it, debate it, and try to talk you out of it. If you don’t give a specific reason, there’s nothing more to say.
I think you use that strategy. Don’t say “We don’t have the room,” because maybe down the road you will have the room and then you’ll need a different excuse. Don’t say, “The baby needs quiet,” because the baby will grow up in a few years. Don’t say, “You’ll like it better,” because people don’t like hearing what other people think they like.
Just say, “It would be better if you stayed somewhere else.” Maybe couch it with some softer thoughts, too, like, “We are excited for your visit,” and, “the kids can’t wait.”
If you have the funds, and if you can afford to do so consistently in the future, you can offer to pay or to help pay for their room or Air B&B or whatever. And as an extra bonus, get the hotel or Air B&B host to sneak in a little welcome gift from you, like some fresh flowers and a bottle of wine.
If they are really upset when you break the news, just ask them to try staying somewhere else out once. My guess is that they will love the excuse to go back to their own space and away from the chaos of a house with little kids. They’ll like the big comfy bed. They’ll like getting a break from you, too.
If they get really angry and make a huge deal about it.... well, I’m not sure if you want those types of people visiting you at all. If they don’t want to come if they can’t stay with you, maybe they shouldn’t come at all.
— Scary Mommy
Have a situation that you’re not sure how to resolve? Write Ask Scary Mommy to get answers from real parents who’ve been there.
If it’s not obvious by the end of this article, we are not doctors or lawyers. Please don’t interpret any of the above information as legal or medical advice — go see the professionals for that!
