The Ladies Of ‘I Mom So Hard’ Get Real About Middle School

The comedy duo I Mom So Hard — Kristin Hensley and Jen Smedley — have four kids between them: one age 15, two 13-year-olds, and an 11-year-old. In other words, they really know their stuff. Not only are they off on tour this fall, but they also have a new book, The Middle School Mom’s Survival Guide, out October 20.

Before they head out on the road, Scary Mommy spoke with the longtime friends and collaborators to ask all our burning questions: what is it about the middle school years, how they unwind, and more.

Scary Mommy: I wanted to talk to you both because you’re awesome, and also because we have a lot in common. What’s coming up for you?

Kristin Hensley: Oh, we work a lot. Also, Jen and I, we always like to point this out, that we are actually in fact real moms and we are moms on duty. So there’s nobody else helping us pick up the kids. It’s between us and our husbands. We live very normal mom lives and then packed in the middle of that, we’re doing a lot of writing and prepping and rehearsing and getting ready for the book to launch. It’s one of those things where Jen always says, “If you want something done, give it to a busy person.” And so we do our best. By no means would I brag that we’re killing it.

SM: I have two boys, ages 13 and 10, so I’m in the middle school years and it’s not been horrible thus far. What has been the most alarming or most interesting part about middle school for you?

KH: This is a very real moment, and we talk about this in the book. My son was with two of his buddies and they were taking turns hitting each other in the balls. And each one took a swing at the other one. And I was like, “Did you notice that the other one’s on the ground curled up in a ball in pain?” But they still had to take that shot in the nuts just to, I don’t know, prove that they’re terrible. So that is the mentality I feel like that you’re dealing with in middle school for boys. But then my daughter, I have never seen her and her friends take shots at each other’s crotches, but there are more emotional stakes. They’re bobbing and weaving in between friend groups and there’s the horrible chat groups online and you’re trying to always contend with that. But I do think it’s because girls in the end become incredibly tight with each other emotionally.

Jen and I always make the joke: Dudes can go golf together for eight hours and not know one got divorced, but two women in a line will know that one got a hysterectomy before she’s up to check out... I think what girls are doing in middle school is preparing for that awesome part in their life to be really good friends and really good women. But it’s tough at first. They play chess and boys play checkers.

Jen Smedley: I’m with you in that it hasn’t been terrible. I think moms have this idea that it’s going to be terrible. They’re still kind of babies, but all this stuff that we’ve been drilling into them for years has kind of stuck. It’s working, but they are so emotionally fragile because of all the hormones coming in fast.

KH: It’s definitely a mashup of being like, “Hey, I want you to see me,” and then, “Hey, I don’t want you to see me.” They’re doing both at the same time. And I think parents, moms especially, have terrible memories from middle school. Now we’re parents of these middle schoolers, we’re trying to get in front of it so that they don’t have these terrible experiences. But the truth is they’re going to have their own. And I think we just have to steer the ship. We’ve got to teach them the basics, keep them clean, keep them fed, keep them happy-ish, and just stick with them because it’s tough. They’re definitely preparing to not need you, is what it feels like.

JS: Specifically for boys. Sixth grade, they’re still a little chubby face. Seventh grade, they lean out and everybody’s talking about boners, and all of a sudden they have sex questions that they were scared to broach before. In seventh and eighth grade they really grow up a lot. And you’ll probably relate to this, as soon as that testosterone comes in, the cute “I want to cuddle with mom” thing, it just is gone and it’s [replaced with] unpredictable anger.

SM: Oh yes. My 13-year-old really does not like hugging me. You’ve written about other ages before. What made you want to write the book about this time?

JS: I always feel like we’re called by I Mom So Hard because we’re not brain surgeons, but even if we were, we would be doing brain surgery going, “I hope I get done in time to see my kid’s soccer game.”

You’re never not momming. And we always talk about our own lives, our own friendships, what our own marriages are like, and the kids, they still bubble up to the surface. The fact that we’re moms is always going to be a part of the narrative. And right now we’re in cougar puberty; we’re in perimenopause, we’re in the mid part of life too, and it’s like what horrible, horrible mathematics that it’s happening at the same time. And so a lot of what the book is about is us dealing with where we’re at in our lives while we usher our kids through it.

KH: Jen and I felt like middle school goes by so fast, but it’s three years of significant growth. And when you’re in it, it is so clear how different sixth, seventh, and eighth are. So Jen and I wanted to unpack that because it goes by with lightning speed. You think it’s going to be the worst, but there’s things that are harder that you didn’t anticipate and things that are easier that you’re like, “Hey, that wasn’t so bad.” And then of course your parents are aging and you’re aging and it’s all at the same time.

We just wanted to knock the hubcaps off of it and make it funny and make it like, this is a moment in time that you’re having and we’re with you, even though you’re probably going to be looking over your shoulder at it in a matter of seconds. We just wanted moms not to feel alone. That’s always our thing is if we say it, maybe other people feel it too and we don’t feel so overwhelmed.

SM: You wrote in the book about your kids being bored. I hate when my kids say they’re bored. So what words do you use in your own homes to combat this?

KH: I love when they’re bored because it means they’re not on a screen.

JS: Say, “I don’t care that you’re bored. Figure it out. Go out and do something.” I like when they are bored because I don’t think kids are bored. The second we all sit down now, we go to our phones and we entertain ourselves. And I think boredom is where you get the big ideas. I love daydreaming. I think as parents that’s the biggest fight we have, is to not let our kids dump their lives into scrolling and entertaining themselves with a phone. Get off your ass, go do something, go outside. I don’t care if you dig a hole.

SM: Jen, you write about being gentle with yourself through all of this. Going back to the conversation about going through perimenopause and raising kids and having aging parents... something we are not good about as women is just being kind to ourselves. And I feel like that’s something that a lot of people need to hear.

JS: Everything is high stakes, and you think as a mom, it’s going to get easier. I remember when my son was first born, my friend Jenny goes, “Oh, you’re never going to sleep again.” And I go, “Well, I heard you do when they’re 18.” And she said, “No, you don’t. Everything is always so high stakes, and we put so much pressure on ourselves that their bad days become our bad days, and it’s hard not to own all of that.” Writing this book helped me realize I was so hard on myself as a middle schooler. I really thought I had to be smart. I really thought in my divorced home, I had to be the adult and not be difficult. I had to be an easy kid.

And it made me realize I’m still doing this to myself. I’m still having these unrealistic expectations on myself as a mother, and I don’t know exactly how to break the habit other than to keep those actual words in my head every day as much as possible. It’s not the end of the world. Nothing’s the end of the world, except the end of the world; give yourself a break.

SM: Yeah, that’s totally true. All right, I have to ask some quick rapid fire questions: How do you guys each unwind at the end of the day?

KH: I do love watching movies and TV. It’s my go-to. It’s just the way my brain unwinds. I like having a ritual. Sometimes I like having a glass of wine. It doesn’t always happen like that because I have a glass of wine and I’ll be hung over for three days, which is completely unfair. But I like having a ritual of a little bit of self-care, which to me is putting on a nice pair of pajamas, getting into a made bed, putting on some lotion that I think smells good that I always associate with bedtime. I really had to learn how to do that because that has never been who I’ve been throughout my life, but I know how important those habits are now.

JS: I’m a murder girl. I hate to fulfill a stereotype, but there’s nothing like a good murder to settle me into a deep sleep. Here’s my theory: The worst thing has already happened. By the time it’s in documentary form, the terrible thing has happened. The fear is out of it. It’s all resolved. Only if it’s an unsolved crime do I get angry about that, but I like the resolution.

SM: You and so many others. What would your last meal be?

JS: Thanksgiving dinner. I’m doing all of it. So I always make Thanksgiving for 30 people. Kristen’s family and her parents come. It’s a two-day shindig at my house, but it’s always the turkey. I’m a dark meat girl. I use my grandma’s dressing recipe, make my own mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, homemade gravy. I do cornbread, rolls, green bean casserole. If it’s a casserole, I’m eating it at Thanksgiving.

KH: I want to be sat in front of a crab leg boil, and I don’t want anybody to look at me. I don’t even want to wear a shirt just because butter can get everywhere. I want a napkin. I want a bib. I want my hands in it. I want to crack open crab. I don’t want to share. Lots of butter, lots of crab. I mean, I want other things in there. I’d love a smash burger, but I think I’ll literally explode, but I want it to be mine. I don’t want to give it to anybody. I don’t want to feel guilty about overeating. I just want to have a disgusting, full meal.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.