They Say The Second Child Is The Wildest. How Often Is That Actually The Case?

I read a quote one time that said, “The first child is the one who makes you want 10 more children. But the second child makes you feel like you have 10 children.”

And boy, they weren’t kidding.

Everyone has heard tales of the terror that is the second child. I heard them more than once during my second pregnancy, but I’ll be honest, I didn’t pay it much attention. I thought surely this one will be just like the last. I waved off all the warnings with no consideration whatsoever that the myth surrounding the second kid could possibly be true.

I was very wrong.

Here’s a little backstory: I have two kids. The first, a son, who is 11. And my second (and very much my last) just turned 2. They’re just a few months shy of being 10 years apart, and their personalities are even further apart than their age. I can say without hesitation that if my daughter had been born first, I probably would have just stopped there.

My son was always very mellow, very independent. Very chill. He played by himself, didn’t have to be told more than twice to do something, shared his toys with his cousins, and loved snuggling with Mama more than anything. He made us want to have six more just like him.

And then came my daughter, who has taught me that there is no “just like” anything when it comes to children. She is wild and fearless, with a devil-may-care attitude, sass that makes you grit your teeth, and a full vocabulary that includes curse words (in the proper context, no less) — not something I’m proud of, but rather an indicator of her errant personality.

I’m not going to lie: I’ve actually told people she’s feral, because some days, it’s very close to the truth.

I have two kids ... They’re just a few months shy of being 10 years apart, and their personalities are even further apart than their age. I can say without hesitation that if my daughter had been born first, I probably would have just stopped there.

The difference between my two children was overwhelming. And it made me wonder if all those stories that began with “that second kid, man” could possibly be true.

When I polled parents on Facebook, 67% of those who responded said their second child was much wilder than their first. For those who said no, most said it was their third kid who earned the wild child title in their household, while others bestowed it on their firstborn.

In other words, while the second child seems to be the wild one most of the time, it isn’t necessarily true in all families.

Abigail Lev, a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder and director of the Bay Area CBT Center, says there just isn’t enough evidence to confirm or deny the truth behind the idea that second-born children are any wilder than the rest of them.

“Although there is some evidence that may support the idea, the findings are very mixed. Because of this, there isn’t enough research-based evidence to confidently say it’s true,” she states. “One of the biggest challenges in studying birth-order effects is the number of confounding variables — any changes in the family dynamic, parental style, or circumstances can influence results.”

Take my Facebook poll, for example. Although my control group consisted of parents with more than one child, it didn’t account for any other factors, which could make a big difference in the life and behavior of a child.

Lev believes there are several factors that could contribute to behavior: “It’s not just birth order that matters, but also the gender of the children, the age gap between them, the personalities and dynamics of the parents, and any major changes in the family environment over time. All of these factors interact, making it difficult to isolate the impact of birth order.”

She added that a truly accurate study would need to be long-term, control for the above-mentioned variables, and include a large, diverse sample — something that’s challenging to do in practice.

However, both experts and parents agree that perhaps it isn’t necessarily the personality of the child, but also the attitude and actions of the parent that make a difference the second time around.

Tammy Queen, a mother of five, said, “When my youngest was a toddler, I mentioned to my pediatrician how he was into everything; he was totally different from his brother, who was the oldest. The doctor told me that [my oldest] couldn’t get into things because I was constantly getting onto him, whereas I was more relaxed and busy as each kid came along.”

With the firstborn, parents tend to hover. By the time the next baby comes around, it’s a completely different ballgame.

“The second-born children also tend to grow up with a built-in role model and sometimes an added sense of security from having an older sibling. They may feel freer or more willing to take risks because the environment they’re raised in is different from what their older sibling experienced.” — Abigail Lev, psychologist

Lev agrees. She says, “Parents are generally more nervous and cautious with their first child, while by the time the second child arrives, they already have some parenting experience. This often leads to a more relaxed, less rigid approach with the younger child.”

Lev added that second-born children observe everything that happens with the firstborn, which can influence their own behavior. It may make them want to do things earlier because they see their older sibling reaching those milestones. She elaborates, “The second-born children also tend to grow up with a built-in role model and sometimes an added sense of security from having an older sibling. They may feel freer or more willing to take risks because the environment they’re raised in is different from what their older sibling experienced.”

While a second child may be perceived as being “wilder,” often by both parents and outsiders, there are multiple factors to consider. In my household, my tiny child definitely takes the trophy for being the wildest, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that any additional children you have will be more or less wild than the first.

All of this to say: If you want a second baby, go for it. Don’t hesitate just because the mother down the street once told you that their youngest likes to swing from the curtains with her sippy cup in one hand and diaper in the other. Your next baby could be the most well-behaved and gentle child you’ll ever meet.

(Or maybe if you keep telling yourself that, it’ll come true!)