WTF Kids?! You Need What, When?

by Rachael Pavlik
Originally Published: 
A mother seated in a car, with her son and daughter playfully pulling funny facial expressions in th...

Isn’t it fun when your child informs you of some school event you knew nothing about? Like when your child casually mentions it on their way out the door in the morning, the very day of the event, saying something like, “Momma, oh…yeah, I have a band concert tonight, and uh, I need to wear dress pants…yeah.”

Say what now?

Of course my son hasn’t worn dress pants in months, and the ones he has are a full 3 inches above his ankles, so unless the concert is about floods, I guess I have to run out to find dress pants right this very second. One week left of school. Good times.

I’ve decided we need to open a drive-thru emergency pants store, called “Oh Shit—Dress Pants?!” for this very thing. There would be just khaki, black, and blue dress pants for boys. You could call ahead: “Hi, please just throw some khaki, size 14 slims in my car as a I do a drive-by, thanks.”

Oh, but I know it’s not just the boys; my daughter pulls this shit too. I’ve spent many a night at CVS, frantically searching for a medium neon T-shirt, because apparently tomorrow is “I’m Too Bright to Do Drugs!” day. Really, kid? It seems you’re not bright enough to tell me until 9 p.m. the night before. Huh. M’kay.

I was complaining about this on Facebook, and my friends and I decided, why stop at pants? Why not open a store for all the many, many school “emergencies” we find out about five freaking minutes before they happen? I guess the name “Oh Shit—Dress Pants?!” is too limiting, so we need to think of another name. Maybe just “Oh Shit!” or “WTF, Kids?!” or “What Fresh Hell?!” or “You Need What, When?” I don’t know. I’m open to suggestions, but let’s not get bogged down in the details. I have, like, two hours before this concert, and I’m hauling ass to Old Navy right now, OK?

This magical emergency store will be run by calming grandmother-types who speak in soothing tones and direct you to the following items that are stocked in your child’s size:

Dress pants

Dress shoes White button-downs Black, knee-length skirts Black socks White tights Clip-on ties Poster board, all colors Craft supplies

Solid-colored T-shirts, every freaking color for “Spirit Day”

Pajama sets for “Pajama Day” A solar system A working volcano kit Alexander Hamilton costume Betsy Ross costume Flags from every country Teacher gifts Various baked goods Permission slips Pre-filled reading logs Pre-signed doctor’s notes (Kidding. Sort of.) Booze (Not kidding, not even a little.)

The store will be open every evening from 6 o’clock until midnight, because that’s about the time you will learn of this upcoming event. Little shits.

So write your congressman, put it on your vision board, somebody call Oprah and Shark Tank because I need this to happen, people. We all need this to happen.


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