What Do You Do When Your Tween Is Left Out Of The Friend Group Halloween Costume?

On top of spending $30 on bite-sized candy and trying to make it to the thousands of Halloween events happening from now until the end of October, there’s also the tricky business of helping your kid navigate the social stressors of Halloween costumes. What are they going to be? Can you get away with making a costume versus spending $100? There’s also the messy world of friend groups and group Halloween costumes.

One mom wrote into the TODAY with Jenna & Friends, asking what she should do after another mom reached out to her about their daughter’s Halloween dilemma.

“My daughter, Sophie, has been planning a group costume with her friends for Halloween. They all want to go trick-or-treating together. I just heard from another mom asking if her kid can tag along, so a mom outside the group that was invited, I guess. My daughter was so excited to just be with her crew. What do I do?” guest cohost Willie Geist read aloud.

This prompted host Jenna Bush to admit that she stays far away from that kind of friend “drama.”

“It's hard. Like, any of the mom stuff and kid stuff, I try to just like back way up. Let the kids work it out. When somebody asks to be included, you also want to say yes,” Jenna admits.

One clinical psychologist weighed in on how this kind of situation is not only hard on the kids, but the moms of the kids as well, and let’s be real: it’s not just about Halloween costumes. It’s so much more layered.

“That was a little bit awkward, right? You could feel the discomfort. And I get why Jenna said, ‘Hey, I try to stay as far away from mom stuff as possible.’ Mom dynamics can get really messy,” Dr. Noëlle Santorelli says in her Instagram video.

“But it's uncomfortable because mom culture has its own rules, social norms, unspoken expectations, and a hierarchy. And you don't want to be the parent that is seen as overstepping or being over-involved. But when we avoid those hard moments because of the discomfort, our kids learn to avoid them too.”

She goes on to say that she guesses that this specific situation wasn't some random mom asking out of nowhere.

“It was probably the mom of a child who thought she was part of the group until she realized that she wasn't, and the pain in that home is probably really real. My guess is it took a lot for that mom to work up the courage to send the text casually asking, ‘Can my child tag along?’”

Then, she notes that group Halloween costumes when you’re in junior high are a “high-stakes social dynamic.”

“The group costume isn't just about matching outfits or being matching M&Ms. It's a quiet display of social belonging in a way that kids are starting to signal who's in and who's not and where you fall on the social ladder. So if you have a kid that is feeling hurt by a group costume experience, that is totally normal.”

So, what do you do if your kid is part of a group costume? Dr. Santorelli says there are a few questions to ask:

• Who's in the group?
• How'd the idea come together?
• Do you think anyone feels left out, and could someone join if they really wanted to?

She notes that the goal is not to control or change the situation unfolding, but to help our kids learn empathy, inclusion, and awareness.

“Because we can't change the patterns of a mean girl culture. Cliques, quiet exclusions, social hierarchies, performance, unless we're willing to lean in and get a little bit uncomfortable as parents first. And I always ask myself, in a culture that says we really value inclusion, why do we so often stay silent or get uncomfortable when exclusion is happening? Why don't we speak up? Why don't we just challenge it more?”