Let's Celebrate! We're Not Having a Baby!

by Laura Bernstein
Originally Published: 
Illustration of a stork carrying a baby and a "Have you heard the news? We're never having another b...

I am not pregnant. And, for that matter, I will not be pregnant again for the rest of my life. My uninhabited womb is a choice.

My husband, daughter, and I are a complete family entity. Still, friends and family—all good-intentioned people who know we are capable of producing dapper offspring—want to know when we’re going to start “Round Two.” We can go for a boy! Our daughter can experience a sisterly bond! The comments are usually doused with a chuckle or elbow nudge. If I stare at a friend’s baby too long (or—goodness forbid—ask to hold the baby), I’ll be told that I possess a reproductive sparkle in my eye. There’s an occasional glance at my abdomen to see if it’s rounder. Choosing not to drink a glass of wine at a family get-together is an invitation to questions.

Some might hypothesize that the piqued curiosity is due to the fact that I am a mom of only one child. Let’s discuss this notion further. In celebrity tabloids, Jennifer Garner, actress and mom of three children, often has circles and arrows Photoshopped onto her abdomen. PREGNANT WITH #4: WHAT DOES BEN THINK? or some trashy, bold headline appears above Garner as she strolls in ill-fitting jeans, a baggy shirt, and sunglasses. Girlfriend can’t even go out for coffee without the entire nation speculating over her uterus. So what’s a celebrity mom to do? She goes on Ellen and jokes about her own physique with a perfectly timed sketch. And she looks badass while doing it.

What does a non-celebrity woman do when she doesn’t have a public relations team and planned interviews at her disposal? Curiosity is natural. And in the days of hyper-exposed social media posts, answers seem expected. I don’t want to make a Facebook announcement or tweet about my decisions—too impersonal. Still, is it wrong to wish for my body to be mine, to no longer have to face a head-to-toe critique?

So, I propose an idea: We really need a line of “no more birth announcement” cards, for women done with reproducing—perfect for women with zero to 18 kids (sorry, Duggar family—we’re still counting past 19). The cardstock announcements can be in an array of modern fonts and floral prints—a perfect piece of mail to end all speculation in a cheeky and sweet way. It can include a complete family portrait or a rocking single lady giving a thumbs up.

Get on this, Minted, Shutterfly, and Tiny Prints. I’ll be the first one to place an order.

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