Wrapped up in a bit of tissue and crammed into the corner of many a mother’s junk drawer is a collection of teeth. It’s weird and more than a little creepy, but for generations, moms around the world have been hoarding their kids’ baby teeth. Are your kid’s teeth inexplicably yellow? Did they already have cavities? Doesn’t matter. You saved them. Why? *shrug* It was part of your tooth fairy duties. But one TikTok mom is out to warn others: Hoarding your kids' baby teeth can backfire both horrendously and hilariously.
Because what happens when your inquisitive child — who still believes in the Tooth Fairy — stumbles upon your illicit stash of cuspids and incisors? You could lie and keep up the charade. Or, you could level with your super smart kid in the name of honesty and openness. Laney Goff (@thisislifewithlaney) chose the latter, and, well, let's just say everything went a little sideways from there.
"Listen. Something just happened to me as a parent that I was not prepared for," Goff starts her story.
She explains that she was in the kitchen when her seven-year-old daughter, Molly, asked her to follow her into Goff’s bedroom. However, as soon as they reached the bedroom, Molly fell apart — crying and "a mumbling, jumbling mess." The gist: The little girl didn't want to get in trouble, but Goff didn't know why.
She dropped to Molly’s eye level to try to calm her crying child. In true mom fashion, Goff said her brain was already on the worst-case scenarios.
"She looks at me, and I can barely make it out, but I hear 'teeth,'" Goff says. "I know exactly what's happening. ... She went into my bedroom without me knowing, and she went through my nightstand and found all of her baby teeth that the tooth fairy took."
Her daughter wanted answers.
"I'm immediately conjuring up some bullsh*t," Goff says. "I immediately start telling her she's not in trouble. This is her house. She's welcome to go through anything she wants to because I'm not hiding anything from her. But that's not the truth because I was trying to hide those teeth. So I tell her that the tooth fairy gives the teeth back to the parents for memories. So that whenever she gets older, I can pull her teeth out and show them to her for good memories."
In her state of panic, she may even have gone a little too far. Been there.
"Also, in the event she ever goes missing and a dead body is found, we can use them for DNA," adds Goff, visibly cringing. "I get it. It may not have been the smartest choice of words."
Crisis averted? Oh, of f*cking course not. Molly revealed that a friend at school told her the tooth fairy wasn't real, and she was starting to believe that was true.
Goff knew it was a pivotal parenting moment. So, she did what any reasonable mom would do: She blamed America. "I don't know why Americans come up with all this bullsh*t. But this is what they've done, and they've put me in the position as your mother to lie to you."
The honesty spiral continued from there. Molly asked about the Easter Bunny. Goff admitted he wasn't real, either. Then, she asked about Santa. SANTA?! She's seven. Goff didn't want to take away the Christmas magic... but she was already riding the truth train.
And while Goff joked that her ex-husband might never forgive her ("I just wanted to tell you that your daughter no longer believes in anything"), she makes a really good point: She's building trust with her kid. Molly "knows" she can go through her mom's stuff and not find any surprises and that she can go to her mom when she wants honesty.
There's just one teensy problem: "Now I'm gonna make her lie to her little brother so her little brother has the same experiences." Oops!