Moms Aren’t Broken — They’re Lonely

Melissa Wirt found herself alone, bleeding in the bathroom. She was miscarrying her baby, and she quite literally had nobody to call. Just outside the door, her five other kids still needed parenting. It felt like an all-time low, but it also became the moment that inspired her to do something about it. She was ready to build her own village.

“We had moved from a neighborhood out to a farm, thinking if I could slow life down and move away from the chaos and noise, that things would finally feel better, and I would feel like I was mastering motherhood and life,” says Wirt, age 43, CEO of Latched Mama, a nursing-friendly clothing line and community.

“I realized something is not OK here — and I realized I didn’t have anybody I had deep enough relationships with to call in those moments and talk about what I was going through,” she says. “I was out of my bag of tricks. I was moving my body. I was eating right. I had beautiful nature around me and still didn’t feel right.”

Wirt’s feelings of loneliness are far from unique. Even in a culture where we are more digitally connected than ever, moms in particular are reporting (and some not reporting) that they feel lonely.

One TikToker speaks right to the issue: “I hear it takes a village… do they just show up? Is there a number I call?” A 2024 nationwide survey by The Ohio State University found that two-thirds of parents found parenting to be isolating and lonely, and 79% wish they could connect with other parents outside of work and home responsibilities. Instead, we are often turning to social media for advice and connection. And while moms often feel lonely, it’s part of a greater epidemic — 1 in 3 Americans reports feeling lonely every week.

“I leaned on the idea that I felt lonely and started to figure out how I could change that,” Wirt says. Now, years later, she is the author of her recently released book, I Was Told There’d Be a Village, and a mom of six. Here’s what she’s learned: Moms aren’t broken — they’re lonely.

Why are moms lonely?

We are all moving through our days on our own pages — quite a deviation from the communities of the past, where women gathered in common places and sometimes lived in multigenerational homes, working alongside other women.

We move from our own home to our own cars, where we often simply wave at moms (if that) in the drop-off line, rather than getting out. We head out for our own groceries, often work solo in our own offices, and once in a while have a quick interaction with other moms that isn’t about work or the Spirit Week schedule from the PTA.

Wirt says, “Anyone 60 and older has wonderful stories of ordering pizza and sitting in their pajamas and hanging out with other families, or going on vacations together, points to how you aren’t broken. Motherhood isn’t supposed to be this hard, and hasn’t always been done this way,” Wirt says.

What can we do about it?

Don’t underestimate the “small” interactions.

Wirt suggests in her book that overlooking the importance of small bonding moments with other moms, such as a 10-minute chat about your day at the bus stop, is a mistake. In fact, it’s those exact moments that can build your village, as small talk interactions in themselves hold meaning and connection. In addition, those smaller moments can, over time, deepen into meaningful friendships where, after the mom and tot group is over, you still meet that mom for coffee.

Build the village.

Wirt suggests that instead of waiting for our village to show up, we build the village. This might even start by being “the village” to someone else — is there a new mom in your neighborhood who could use a latte, and for you to hold the baby while she showers? Is there a struggling single mom who could use some carpool help?

By moving the focus off ourselves and onto others, we take a proactive approach to building the village. Then it’s there for us later, too, hopefully.

Look beyond who you’d expect to be in your village.

We need to question the idea that we have to be around people similar to us, Wirt says. “We maybe have blinders on to people who could be part of our village,” she says. For example, she has people in her village without kids, some in their 60s, and she calls them “as important” as moms in the trenches with her now.

Wirt says there are unique benefits to having someone, such as her friend without kids in her 30s, around. “It’s really beautiful — when she’s around, she can give them the type of attention that other moms don’t. There’s a marvel that goes both ways. She marvels at their wide openness and uniqueness, and kids in general, and they marvel at the idea that she’s rocking life with really no desire to have kids.” She also jokes that the bandwidth and energy of people without kids can be fun too.

Examine the stories you tell yourself.

“If we start giving relationships the most generous interpretations, instead of the story we tell ourselves, that helps,” Wirt says. For example, do you assume a mom doesn’t like you if she doesn’t text you back? Or that she doesn’t want to be friends, or has enough friends already? Instead, assume she didn’t text you because she’s as overwhelmed as you are, Wirt suggests.

If you’ve given a potential mom friend a real effort, Wirt says to realize “how many fish are in the sea,” and move on, instead of putting too much into figuring out what happened. “They might just be in a season of their life where their kids aren’t sleeping at night, or their kids are sick.”

She says to try again, and remember that getting two busy moms to really have enough time to connect can be difficult. “You have to have enough time and enough hours and enough confidence and enough sleep and enough food and enough time away from your children to actually build that relationship.”

Pair something with making friends.

Just as having drinks makes connecting with friends easier, Wirt says, look for an activity to “pair” with making friends. “You’re normally there for a reason, and that reason is something you can lean on, whether it’s an arts and crafts project or to work out, when you aren’t feeling you want to lean on friendship,” she says.

Not sure where to start? Try movement first, she suggests. She remembers replacing her days of buying a large sugar fix at Starbucks and a cookie, and sitting alone in her car with a newborn when she was lonely, with an exercise class. “There’s a reason why Burn Boot Camp is taking over the nation — it brings women together, you work out, and you get endorphins,” she says. “It makes connection easier.”

You can also look to our “secret hobby desires” or things we want to learn, Wirt says, as a way to think of a starting place. “Make it the season and the time to show up and try something new.”

Invest in relationships beyond your partner.

“There’s nobody that’s going to see us like another mom,” Wirt says. And that’s a hard truth to admit in a society where we think all our needs should be met under our own roof, she adds. “That is potentially a lie that we’re sold, then we wonder why we feel like husks of ourselves or feel empty.” Instead, she says the best thing to ask of your partner is to give you opportunities and space to build relationships with friends. In turn, she says her marriage is so much better because of it.

So, send a text to connect with an old friend. Ask the mom at the park next to you if they’d want to grab a coffee soon. Join the class, call someone to see if they want to take a walk, and look beyond your typical circle for the connection you crave. You aren’t alone in needing it, and you aren’t broken.