There Is No Way In Hell I Will Let My Partner Get Anywhere Near My Butthole

by Alicia Stein
Originally Published: 
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Let me start by saying that I love everything having to do with sex. I love trying kinky stuff and talking dirty with my partner. I enjoy licking every part of him from head to toe – and he loves doing the same for me. I generally have multiple, mind-blowing orgasms with him, and it’s a fucking awesome release. We’ve had decades of hot, steamy sex, and it seems only to get better as time goes on.

That said, there is no way in hell I will let him get anywhere near my butthole. Nope, nada, no fucking way. Once, a few months ago, he slipped out of me during sex and penetrated my anus for a second. I screamed bloody murder. Because I really truly don’t want anything remotely having to do with sex next to, near, or inside my anus. Just, no.

Don’t get me wrong. I am all for anyone else who wants to try anal sex or anal stimulation. I am enthusiastically for it, if that’s what gets you off. And I see the appeal, in theory. I know that anuses have a zillion nerve endings. I’ve experienced the pleasure of a nice, solid bowel movement. I know that there are ways to make sure that anal sex isn’t very painful (go slow and lots of lube).

I like having my butt slapped a little during sex. I don’t mind if my partner comes on my tush. But sex play involving my chocolate starfish, and definitely any kind of penetration, is just not going to happen. Not only is it not an interest of mine, but the idea of doing anything like it is actually a huge turn-off.

I could try to dig into my psyche to figure out why I feel so against even trying it. Maybe it’s because I have IBS and have had too many traumatic things happen involving my anus. Maybe it’s because my second child almost tore my anus in half when he was born. Maybe it’s a deeply buried bias. Maybe it’s something else.

But honestly, it doesn’t really matter what it is. Because when it comes to sex, people like what they like – and well, they don’t like what they don’t like. I think that’s the bottom (pun intended) line here.

My partner doesn’t feel strongly one way or another about it. He likes his own anal area stimulated at times during sex (there’s this cool thing called a male G-spot, which can help give men incredible orgasms). I don’t mind stimulating his anus. But he knows mine is off limits.

He told me that if I wanted to try anal, he would, but that he’s never really fantasized about anal play involving his partner’s parts, and doesn’t feel like it’s something he needs to experience in his lifetime. I supposed if he really, really wanted to, I would consider it. But maybe not. Because I honestly feel so repulsed by the idea of anything sexual happening in my asshole.

What strikes me – and part of the reason I decided to share my feelings about this all – is that some women feel like they are supposed to try anal sex, or else they aren’t as sexually adventurous as they should be.

A friend recently confessed to me that she felt some heavy pressure to try anal sex, and she was conflicted because she didn’t really want to. The pressure was sort of coming from her partner, but also just in a general sense she felt like there was this idea out there that you aren’t a totally sexually open person if you don’t try anal – especially in this day and age.

Again, anal sex is amazing for many, as is the new awareness people seem to have about it. For the first time ever, people are talking openly about their love of anal sex and anal play. That is a good thing, and it’s about fucking time that butt stuff became normalized and acceptable.

But there is something wrong with our culture (and again, not with anal sex itself) if anyone feels like trying a particular sex act is the only way to be cool or sexually daring. Is this freaking high school all over again?

And of course, it seems like it’s women who get slammed with the pressure to try stuff that they don’t necessarily want to try. That is some serious bullshit right there.

Loving someone and being intimate with them means respecting their preferences, whether they like or don’t like oral, anal, BDSM, role-play, or anything else. Yes, sex is about compatibility, and if there are too many things your partner wants to try that you don’t, it might be worth trying to expand your pleasure zones — or maybe even finding a new partner.

But no one should feel compelled to do anything they don’t want to do with their bodies, ever. Full stop. And you are definitely not any less of a smoking hot lover if anal sex is a hard pass for you.

Sex is a very individualized thing. Our desires are intricate and beautiful and all our own – whatever that looks like. Anal sex is where it’s at for lots of us. But for someone of us, it’s just fucking not. And that’s okay.

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